Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #2

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That's what he thinks

when a woman makes a mistake in traffic?

It's always about a man.

Anytime you see a five-car pile up,

it's like, 'Are you coming home for dinner

or not?'" You know?

[audience laughs]

So, I was like,

"This guy is not gonna bully me.

F*** this. I don't care about meditation.

Everybody gets angry.

I'm not a goddamn saint."

Not that they meditate,

but whatever they do.

And so, I put the car in park

and I stood up in my seat

and I put my head out of the sunroof

and then I went into the passenger seat.

[audience laughs]

And I leaned over and I went,

"What the f*** did you just say to me?"

[audience laughs]

[audience cheering]

For those at home watching,

this isn't being taped in New York City.

[audience laughs]

He said, "I said, what were you doing

at that light, dumbass?"

Now, I didn't wanna tell him,

"I meditated today

and I got loopy at the green light."

I didn't want to tell him that because he

was mean to me and I wanted to win.

[audience laughs]

I wanted to say something

that would make him feel so bad

about what he did that he'd be like,

"Oh, my God, I have to think

before I speak

and put myself in other people's shoes.

You never know

what someone's going through." Right?

So, I said to him something that's true,

meaning, I actually said it.

The content is not true.

[audience laughs]

I said, "What was I doing? I was thinking.

I just found out that my mother died

this morning."

[audience laughs]

I didn't say I was a good person,

I just said I meditated.

[audience laughs]

He goes, "You're still a dumbass."

And I was like:

[gasps]

"What kind of person says that to someone

whose mother just died?"

She didn't, he doesn't know.

He is a bad person.

- I am the winner in this story still.

- [audience laughs]

And then I just lost it.

And I went, "Oh, go f*** your car."

[audience laughs]

I don't know what that means either,

but I just...

I had to keep going,

like I knew what I was talking about.

Like, "Yeah, stick your dick

in the tailpipe, buddy.

[audience laughs]

I know who you are.

What are you, a producer?

Divorced? You had two wives

and left both of them for your assistant.

And what, you...? You tell young girls

you're gonna put them in movies?

You don't have any movies to put them in.

You're a loser."

- And the light turned green and he...

- [audience laughs]

The light turned green and he drove off.

That's what you do at green lights,

you drive away.

So, as he drives off, he screams,

"You're crazy." And I was like:

[gasps, then exhales]

And I screamed out of the...

Out of passenger seat sunroof:

"I'm not crazy.

I meditated today, motherf***er."

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