Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #5

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Walter:
He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Like what?

Walter:
He's been dating a goat half his age. Oh, yeah, an actual goat. He even got her fake teats. Oh, yeah, all six of 'em.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter, a goat only has two.

(chuckles)

Walter:
How sick is it that you actually know that?

What, are you so lonely now, you're checking out

barnyard animals? You know, they're called "petting zoos," not "heavy petting zoos." Come on. What's her name? (bleating): Ma-a-argaret.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Will you...?!

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Can we change the subject?

Walter:
Sur-u r-u re. I'll change the subject, all right.

I heard you talking about something you hadn't really discussed onstage yet.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Right.

Walter:
Okay. So you're talking about the divorce now.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Walter:
Okay. So can we talk about it?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I already did.

Walter:
I didn't. How weird is it that I can make him feel uncomfortable onstage? So that's it, huh?

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's what?

Walter:
All those years of being married, and now it's over.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Walter:
So, all those years of raising the girls, and now the family's broken up.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Right.

Walter:
So, no more marriage?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Nope.

Walter:
No more wife.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Walter:
What's it like?!

(loud, uncontrollable laughter)

Walter:
Oh, please let me live vicariously through you!

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter, divorce is not a good thing.

Walter:
Oh, you can't lie to me, a**hole. So what happened?

JEFF DUNHAM:
What happened, Walter, is that, unfortunately, in our country these days, more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things.

Walter:
(voice breaking): You know, Jeff, I never thought

I'd say this to you, but you're my hero! Come on. What's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?

To not think, "Uh-oh, here she comes!" Ugh!

You can leave your toilet seat up all the time!

I'd hot-glue mine open, for God's sakes... and then sh*t in the backyard. Just because I could.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter, divorce is painful.

Walter:
Oh, yeah, like a deep-tissue massage. (screams)

(sighs contentedly) So how long's it been?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Almost three years now.

Walter:
Oh, okay. So, you dating anybody now?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Matter of fact, I am.

Walter:
Oh, good. Female? Well, you never know. Sometimes that's the problem. "Honey, I got bad news

and I got good news. "Bad news is, I want a divorce. Good news is, I'm on your team now!"

(audience laughs)

Come on, let's knit, B*tch! So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?

Rate this script:3.0 / 2 votes