Jackass: The Lost Tapes Page #3

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if you get to know me.

-God bless you.

-God didn't bless me.

He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Hi, girls.

-I'm the devil.

-Are you being sarcastic?

-What's that mean?

-No.

They threw me from heaven

'cause they were jealous

that I invented the circumcision.

God was spying on me

while I was in the bathroom,

and he took the idea from me.

If you read it... You can read about it

in Genesis 18, but it's a complete lie.

So I'm just here to clear my name.

I'm a nice man.

-F*** you, man.

-I'm a nice man, sir.

You want to f***ing die

right here, f***er?

Get the f*** out

of my f***ing sight, dude.

I came here...

Get the f*** out of my f***ing sight,

you motherf***er.

-That's not Christian.

-I'll f***ing murder your ass right here.

WOMAN:
Hey, stop!

Hey, hey, hey, b*tch.

Get the f*** off him.

Get the f*** off him.

MAN:
Get the f*** off him.

You crazy motherf***er.

CHRlS:
That's not

a Christian thing to do.

Psycho.

RYAN:
Whoa.

MAN:
Home run.

RYAN:
Watch out. Watch out.

MAN:
Sh*t!

BRlAN:
It's a 12-inch

diesel-powered chipper.

It's a 200-horsepower unit.

It feeds the material

in the back of this unit

and disperses it out the chute.

I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about

to have fun with the woodchipper.

BAM:
Hey, Ryan,

doesn't that look familiar?

I think he's trying to say

I got a small wiener.

Strawberry milk.

Let's try something mellow first.

(GRlNDlNG)

What are these? Gross.

He's gonna hate this.

Dude, the squid hurt so much worse

than anything else.

RYAN:
What was that?

MAN:
It was the frozen turkey.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

That just came out of my head.

BAM:
Dude, you smell like hot trash.

(SNlCKERlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

(GROANS)

MAN:
Dude, I'm sorry.

-Hi, I'm Steve-O.

-And I'm Ehren,

and we're here downtown

'cause we're the best damn

football players ever to hit the city.

-Yeah, no more JV for us.

-No way, baby.

We're hitting the street, yeah!

(STEPHANlE CHEERS)

STEPHANlE:
Touchdown.

(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)

WOMAN:
Oh, my goodness.

EHREN:
Fumble!

STEPHANlE:
Touchdown.

Go blue and red, yeah!

(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)

Hey, do you know where this place,

like, the Pink Flamingo...

(GROANS)

EHREN:
Is this where

the valet parking's at?

I just got done with a game.

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN 1:
Move forward.

MAN 2:
Look at the steam.

MAN 1:
There's a foot of turd hanging

out of your ass. That's disgusting.

MAN 1:
That's sickening.

MAN 3:
Sh*t, here comes the deuce.

MAN 1:
Wait, let me shoot pool.

MAN 1:
That's disgusting.

Dude, wipe your ass.

MAN 2:
It's steaming.

MAN 3:
It was f***ing steaming.

Steamed dumplings.

MAN 1:
It's so cold out,

I can almost crack this.

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