I Want Candy Page #3

who enters the lives of two people

and changes them forever.

- Enemies become friends...

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

I've got to be honest with you, Mr Brown.

I thought you were just going

to sell me some print cartridges.

That's it, Joe. I want to go home now.

Do you know how long it took

Attenborough to make Gandhi?

It took him ten, long, painful years

and we've been at it for, like,

two and a half hours.

The good news is we're not making

some boring, cry-baby movie

about a bald bloke in a nappy.

Yeah, I know it was a masterpiece,

but you get the picture.

Full steam ahead, my friend, full steam...

Bags! Bags!

It's like a sign.

It is a sign.

If you're looking for Angeline, she's next door.

I should warn you, she used to be a bloke.

No, we've come to see you,

Mr President, sir.

We're filmmakers. We've got an appointment.

Producer Joe Clarke.

This is the director, John Bagley.

We've got a very exciting project for you,

The Love Storm.

Baggy, do the pitch.

Night. Thunder. Lightning. Rain.

- Show these two wankers the door.

- No, no. Look...

I know you're a very busy man,

but we just want two minutes.

This is a great pitch.

We're talking big money, yeah?

Accolades. Awards.

All right, Tweedledee. Two minutes. Go.

Night. Thunder.

Lightning. Rain.

A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town.

This is the story of an enigmatic woman

who enters the lives of two people

and changes them forever.

Enemies become friends.

Friends become lovers.

- She was a stranger...

- Then she shagged the lot of them.

Yeah. Am I sensing there isn't enough

sex in this movie for you?

You two tadpoles come wandering in

off the street like Hansel and Gretel.

You've got chutzpah, I like that.

I give you two minutes, you never know.

You might have some girl next door

banging yard dogs.

Or a colony of midget friends

shagging each other.

You're calling it ltty Bitty Gang Bang.

Then you start talking about awards,

without one single mention

of the word "p*ssy".

Do you see that?

Now that is the only thing that gets the

Academy's juices flowing around here.

- Candy Fiveways.

- Do you know who Candy Fiveways is?

Yes. She was in I Candy 2.

- And?

- And...

It was her sexiest role yet.

"We laughed, we cried,

we tugged ourselves dry."

Listen, Candy Fiveways is the biggest

name in adult entertainment.

The patron saint of the old Nescaf handshake.

She's got three C*cks.

Golden Cockerels. The Oscars

of the adult entertainment industry.

A first-class ticket to the big time.

Now, if you had her in your film,

we could do business,

but you don't, so we can't and I'm a busy man.

Now your two minutes ended two minutes ago.

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