I Want Candy

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to mourn

the passing of a devoted husband,

a loving father, a doting grandfather

and loyal friend.

I was lucky enough

to spend some time with Arthur

towards the end of his illness

and, despite the sad circumstances,

I always looked forward to those visits,

knowing that I would be greeted

with the joy and happiness

for which he and Irene were so...

Look, I'm sorry, this won't do.

This family is grieving.

You need to show some more respect.

This family has paid

for a high-quality funeral video.

A lasting memory of a fond farewell.

I got you as far as, "I always used

to look forward to the visits."

Look, go away.

Piss off!

Yeah, Bags, I think we've got enough.

This family needs some space to grieve.

OK.

Good job. Thanks, everyone,

for your patience.

That's great. Could you not look

directly in the camera?

I told you to piss off!

Hey, Baggy! Wait up!

Bags!

All right?

So, good news.

Fat Kenny Radford's grandmother died.

Her funeral's on Saturday. Are you in?

No. Right.

I still think it's a good idea.

Everyone's doing wedding videos.

Funeral videos are a niche market.

We just got a touchy family.

I just want to make my own film.

Come on, Bags. Do you think

George Lucas never struggled?

Ridley Scott, right, had to sell a lung

to buy his first camera. That's a fact.

We'll laugh about this

when we shoot The Love Storm.

Are we? Are we?

There he is,

having a little laugh already. Good.

We'll make the first Oscar-winning

end-of-term project in history.

We can't stop now, man. We're this close.

You are going to be up on that podium,

thanking your mum,

your agent, your producer.

Thank you? Thanking you for what?

- Making me do sh*t I don't want to do?

- Bags, you're welcome.

Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event.

Yep, I know what you're thinking.

A major yawnathon, but hear me out,

because this stuff

is effing cool.

So, fasten your seatbelts, we're about

to take a trip into the avant-garde.

In the words of Vanilla Ice,

"Stop, collaborate and listen,"

because the film I'm about to show you

here is important for two reasons.

Uno.

It paved the way for the experimental

Austrian animation of the 1950s.

And, dos, it's a short film.

The very same medium we shall be

exploring in our end-of-year projects.

"What's that, Mr D? Short films? Two minutes?"

"No sweat. Easy."

Wrong, sailor, incorrect.

Because it's not about how long it is. Is it?

It's about what you do with it.

So, yeah, granted, it's slightly different

from previous years, shorter.

But it's a challenging format and I...

Excuse me, Mr Dulberg, sorry.

Our script's a feature film, 90 minutes.

Well, if it isn't Leatherhead's

very own Spielberg and Weinstein.

We've been working on it for three years.

Yes, sorry about that, lads.

My bad. I think you've got some editing to do.

What? To two minutes?

Guys, can we,

can we have a bit of realism here?

This is Leatherhead University, OK? Not UCLA.

If you want a calling card, go to the printer's.

Maybe it's for the best, darling.

It was going to be our ticket to Hollywood.

- Can I speak for you, Val?

- Always, Stephen.

The entertainment industry is

an impossible road, full of obstacles.

Now, we admire your ambition, Joe.

Ambition is everything.

You've got to follow your dream.

That way, when you fail, you can always say,

"Well, at least I tried."

Gotcha. Thanks, Dad.

Why don't you come in to work

with me tomorrow?

Get the feel of the place. Start learning

the ropes. It might cheer you up a bit.

That's a wonderful idea, Dad.

Joe?

Yeah, Dad, it sounds great,

but I think I've got to...

do things all day.

Well, let's do it soon, all right?

Term ends in a couple of months and

then I want you trained up, quick-smart.

After that, it's you and me.

Clarke & Son School of Motoring.

Seven top-of-the-range Fiestas.

Walnut dash and a growing client base.

You're set for life.

Could you two find somewhere else to mope?

You're depressing the regulars.

Three years of film school, Lila,

and I'll end up a driving instructor.

At least it's a job, Joe.

- It's a sh*t job.

- It's an amazing job.

It's the only job that is not only extremely boring,

but, at the same time, very, very dangerous.

- I'll be trapped in Leatherhead forever.

- Hey, hey, don't knock Leatherhead.

Sure, Hollywood's all right,

but do they have a Kebabsolutely?

Does it have a big Tesco?

No. No, you're right, it's rubbish.

It's all just bright lights

and cool parties and premieres

and beautiful women.

Grace Kelly, Cameron Diaz. Jessica Rabbit.

Yeah, you know you would.

You'd do Jessica Rabbit in a heartbeat.

You two are pathetic.

You go on and on about Hollywood,

but all you ever do is sit around here

bugging me all day.

You're all bark and no bite.

"All fart and no follow through,"

as my gran would say.

I follow through. I am doing stuff.

- Pestering the recently bereaved?

- It's a niche market.

What I'm saying is,

why are you letting some bitter, jealous,

dead-end college lecturer stand in your way?

Did Tarantino ask his teacher for

permission to make Reservoir Dogs?

London is 20 miles down the road,

crammed full of film companies

desperate for good ideas.

Yeah.

Bags, don't be so negative.

No, no, you're right. We need to get out there.

We need to get up in their faces.

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