I Give It a Year Page #3

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Thank you for that analysis.

How late are we?

Well, you, my little friend,

are 10 minutes early.

I told you the wrong time because I knew

you'd never be on schedule.

- Right.

- Mmm!

I'm just trying to work out

if I find that endearing

or it makes me want to bludgeon you

to death with a shovel.

- No, it's endearing.

- I think it's a shovel.

- It's endearing.

- Do we have a shovel?

Well, firstly, a hearty "mazoltov"

for your marriage.

- I think it's "mazel tov", isn't it?

- Thank you.

- Mmm?

- I always thought it was "mazel tov".

I don't know, I'm not Jewish.

Oh.

But, as you know, whilst everything

may seem so happy now,

of course you could be struck down at any time.

Cancer. Heart disease. Meningitis.

Hit by a truck.

- Bam!

- (gasps)

I had a client who was kicked to death

by a group of disaffected youths

high on meow meow.

She'd just left the house to get potatoes.

- Just potatoes.

- Sh*t.

And the tragedy was,

she hadn't thought to make a will.

- Or a Tesco home delivery.

- (chuckles)

What?

Yeah.

She was only identifiable by her dental records.

Why, what had they done to her?

They'd made impressions of her teeth.

Still, fortunately, you two have had

the presence of mind

to plan for your future.

So, have you considered what would happen

if either of you fell into a persistent...

- (stumbles)... vegetatative state?

- A what, sorry?

Persistent vegetatative state.

Mmm.

One too many T's there. "Vegetative."

Have you considered what would happen

if you fell into...

one of these guys?

Just pillow talk, really.

No, I think we did decide

that we'd both like to be left to die.

Excellent, yes.

We just switched off my aunt.

- I'm sorry.

- Aw.

No, it's all right.

It's no quality of life.

And we freed up a socket for a lava lamp.

Ah.

It's transformed the lounge.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Largely losing her, to be fair.

Now, can we go through a few of these?

Just give me a yes or no.

Are we switching the life support off?

Brain dead?

- (both) Switch it off.

- Switch it off. Get it off.

Locked-in syndrome?

That's the one where you're paralysed

but you can still wink.

It's all the...

It's the dribble, isn't it,

that I couldn't handle.

- Constantly mopping up phlegm.

- (Josh) I wouldn't want that.

You wouldn't want that.

That's why you're murdering your wife.

(grunts)

So, are you switching it off?

- Sorry, what are you doing?

- (Nat) Off!

- Switch it off, yeah.

- Off she goes!

Night-night.

Um, brain-damaged and vegetative.

- Thank you.

- Mmm.

Um, brain stem undamaged.

So you're breathing,

you're swallowing, you're fine,

but you are still literally a shell of a person

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