I Give It a Year

---

( Never Knew Love Like This Before

by Jessie Ware)

Must you? Just here?

(all)... three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

(all cheering)

(Nat) I do.

(chuckles)

It now gives me

great pleasure to pronounce you...

(whispering) Excuse me.

(coughing)

(continues coughing)

- (guests murmuring)

- You all right?

- (whispering) I'm fine.

- (coughs)

- Something lodged?

- Nothing.

- (hushed) Water.

- What?

A glass of water, please.

- Where's the water?

- I don't know.

(coughing)

(minister) Oh, dear.

- (coughing continues)

- (hushed) He's getting it from the font!

Mmm.

- (coughs)

- (water splattering)

Jesus Christ. Sorry.

- So sorry. Where were we?

- "I now pronounce you."

- I now pronounce you.

- Yeah.

(stammers)

No, thank you.

I now pronounce you... (mouths)

...husband and wife.

( Spring Concerto by Vivaldi)

(minister coughing)

(Hugh) Look at them.

- Aren't they adorable?

- Yes.

I give it a year.

(guests cheering)

(Danny) And for those of you who don't know me,

and especially if we meet in the bar later,

my name is,

"Danny Do-you-want-a-pint?"

(chuckles) "Danny Do-you-want-a-pint?"

Fornication...

I'll read that again.

For an occasion...

like this,

I want to make sure I keep up

the traditions of being a best man.

Apparently I need to get the groom

to the church on time. Tick.

I need to remember the rings. Did that.

And I need to...

have sex with a bridesmaid. Wahey!

I... To be fair, I wrote these, um...

before I knew they...

I would never have sex with a...

Maybe when they're older.

Never say never.

And keep away from Paedo Rog! Ha-ha!

(chuckles) All right, Paedo?

Nice to have you.

He's come a long way. Good lad.

It's great to see so many people turn up

to see Josh finally tie the knot.

And about time, too.

Nat's got it all.

She's brilliantly clever,

apparently really delivers in the bedroom.

Like mother like daughter, eh?

He knows what I'm talking about.

And I don't know about you,

but I feel she could easily be a model,

I think we'll agree,

if it wasn't for her nose.

When I first saw her beaver...

...ing away... Beavering away,

cooking Josh a meal,

I knew she was a real catch.

Um, I've got no idea why

her previous boyfriend cheated on her,

but, uh, I'm glad he did.

Cheers to him, wherever he may be.

Probably shagging.

But, uh, no. Um, seriously, Nat.

You're a real eight out of ten, love.

I mean that sincerely.

And we're delighted you and Josh

have found each other.

So, everyone, please, raise your glasses

as we say a little toast to Nat and Josh.

(all) To Nat and Josh!

(all applauding)

Nat is literally gonna be cringing right now.

She hates being the centre of attention.

It is impossible to imagine anyone

looking more beautiful than you do today, Nat.

And I know how much you love

being the centre of attention.

That's just one of the things

that makes us so different.

Because I'm a thinker, you're a doer.

I'm laissez-faire, you're anal.

Hey, you dirty sod!

On you go.

I think it's fine for a man to wear Crocs,

and you've made it abundantly clear you do not.

(chuckles)

I know it's only been seven months,

and some of you think that we're crazy

for getting married, but...

all I know is, from the first moment I saw you,

I knew that yours was the only face

and the only voice...

- that I would ever need again.

- (all) Aw!

'Cause in that moment, everything just changed.

Everything just seemed to fit so perfectly.

Wahey!

And I'm so lucky that I feel like

I'm only just getting to know you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here's to us.

(guests cheering)

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