How to Be a Serial Killer Page #4

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You never know what kind of

service you're gonna do

the world by doing somebody in.

Kill people that

are better off dead.

I try to do at least one

selfless thing per day.

If you find yourself

thinking the serial killing

is selfish and you're doing it

just to make yourself happy,

take a trip to an elderly

home and find somebody

who wants to die but can't.

You don't have to

Kevorkify your life,

but you can give back.

Any little gesture

of kindness counts.

Look at this guy.

If you do not sh*t

on the count of three,

Daddy will take you

to the vet tomorrow

and he will have

you put to sleep,

you ungrateful

little c*nt.

Did he just call

his dog a c*nt?

One, two, three.

Okay.

But if you sh*t inside

like you did last night,

Daddy will smack your

ugly little face.

That kind of behavior

simply won't do, Bart.

What are you gonna do?

What time is it?

Uh, 6:
30.

We're gonna

come back tomorrow.

Back in a sec.

Okay.

People don't like being alone.

But when you mix

the manipulative powers

of a sociopath with someone

with dependency disorders,

that's a very easy mix.

And a very highly

dysfunctional union.

Examples of this run the

relationship spectrum

from parent-child to

romantic attachments.

It never ceases to amaze me

what people will tolerate

in order to avoid being alone.

Misery loves company.

Hi.

Yeah, we're here.

Okay, see you in a sec.

Hang on a sec, baby.

You having fun, Bart?

Mm-hmm.

Good.

I can't tell

with you sometimes.

I'm havin' a ton of fun.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Hey, there she is.

Hi.

- Hey, Bart.

- Hi.

We just saw this

little girl in the street,

she looked kind of lost.

So...

Aren't you just

a little cutie?

You guys think you can

do something with her?

Absolutely.

So sweet of you to bring

her all the way out here.

Yeah, no problem.

Where did she get the leash?

Oh, she was just draggin' it

behind her on the street.

Anyway, I got to

get Bart home.

See you there.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Man, what a woman.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, what?

Yeah, nothin'.

Yeah nothin', my ass.

What's on your mind?

Nothing, I, I swear.

Bart, I'm f***in' with you.

I feel the most safe

when I'm with Mike.

Um, 'cause it's like,

it's like kind of having,

like, a pit bull that's

your best friend.

It can talk to you and stuff.

Because I just know no one's

gonna, like, mess with me.

I know that no, like,

gang bangers are gonna

try to mess with me.

And I know, like, other

people aren't gonna try

to mess with me or anything.

'Cause he's there, and he's

like, he knows how to--

He'll mess with them.

And mess with him

in a way that will just,

like, mess them up.

And it's cool 'cause

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