Harold and Maude Page #6

Maude is now sitting next to Harold.

MAUDE:

I'll never understand this mania

for black. I mean no one sends

black flowers, do they? Black

flowers are dead flowers and who

would send black flowers to a

funeral? It's change!

(fluttery laugh)

How absurd.

Her eye catches a dour portrait of the Blessed Virgin and

Child on a pillar. With one swoop she takes a felt pen

from Harold's breast pocket and draws on the painting a

bright and cheery smile.

Harold is stunned.

MAUDE:

There, that's better. They never

give the poor thing a chance to

laugh. Heaven knows she has a lot

to be happy about. In fact...

(she looks thought-

fully around the

church)

- they all have a lot to be happy

about. Excuse me.

40INSERTS

The faces of four somber statue saints.

MAUDE (v.o.)

An unhappy saint is a contradiction

in terms.

41INT. AT THE CHURCH DOOR

An anxious Harold stands while Maude puts the top back on

his pen. Maude smiles and gestures at a crucifix.

MAUDE:

And why do they keep on about

that? You'd think no one ever

read the end of the story.

She exits grandly with Harold's pen. Harold follows.

42INSERTS

FOUR QUICK CUTS of the saints' faces. They all have

delightfully ridiculous smiles drawn on their faces.

43CLOSEUP - PRIEST

In the same rhythm we have a FIFTH CUT - the returning

priest who is dropped dead by what he sees.

44 EXT. CHURCH STEPS - DAY

MAUDE:

It's a question of emphasis, you

might say. Accentuate the positive,

so to speak.

HAROLD:

Eh, could I have my pen back now,

please?

MAUDE:

Oh, of course. What is your name?

HAROLD:

Harold Chasen.

MAUDE:

How do you do? I am Dame Marjorie

Chardin, but you may call me Maude.

HAROLD:

Nice to meet you.

MAUDE:

Oh, thank you. I think we shall

be great friends, don't you?

Maude takes a great ring of keys from her purse, selects

one of them, and opens the door of the car at the curb.

MAUDE:

Can I drop you anywhere, Harold?

HAROLD:

(quickly)

No, thank you. I have my car.

MAUDE:

Well then, I must be off.

(she gets in)

We shall have to meet again.

She revs up the motor and looks over at Harold.

MAUDE:

Do you dance?

HAROLD:

What?

MAUDE:

Do you sing and dance?

HAROLD:

Eh, no.

MAUDE:

No.

(she smiles)

I thought not.

With a great screech of burning rubber Maude drives down

the street just as the priest comes up to Harold. They

both watch her squeal around the corner.

PRIEST:

(totally mystified)

That woman... She took my car.

45INT. CHASEN DEN - DAY

Harold is sitting in a chair. His mother enters and sits

down at the desk.

MRS. CHASEN

I have here, Harold, the forms sent

out by the National Computer Dating

Service. It seems to me that as

you do not get along with the

daughters of my friends this is the

best way for you to find a

prospective wife.

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