Happy Birthday Page #4

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- What's the real Mexico?

- You boys wanna go

to a cockfight?

- Whoo!

- Pretty cool, huh?

- No. I hate chickens.

- You and Herzog. Thought these

things were just urban legend.

- Hell no, man. This is the real

Mexico! Mexico es magico!

Ain't that right, Caballo?

- Some say Jesus would have

been born here,

but they couldn't find

three wise men or a virgin.

- Come on, man. Let's go back

to Zona Norte, huh?

- Come on, cowboy.

Thought you guys wanted

to have a night to remember?

- Seriously, Brady,

it's your f***ing birthday.

Live a little.

- It's your birthday? Sh*t.

Feliz Cumpleanos, man!

- Texican here, he's gonna

get you so Jodido,

people are gonna mistake

you for Stephen Hawking.

- We can't do that, man.

Okay? We're in Mexico.

All right, we're gonna get

our f***ing kidneys stolen.

- Gentlemen, look,

you have my word,

Caballo here, you got

no worries, that's his job.

358 to me, 142 to Caballo.

We do this sh*t all the time.

He's f***in' liquid around here.

Esta es mi hombre de la mierda!

15 years, me and Caballo,

we come down here,

meet tourists, take them out,

they have the time

of their life.

Go home safe and sound.

I haven't lost a' one.

- Look, I don't know you, man,

okay? How can I trust you?

You got like a website

or something?

- Boom.

I'm as American as blue jeans,

Budweiser

and James motherfuckin' Cameron.

Caballo's my half-cousin.

I come down here on weekends

to meet guys like you, make

money. It's a buyers' market.

- You see that? We're fine.

This guy's a f***ing

government official!

It's 100% safe. Come on.

Come on.

- Yeah!

- Kill that f***ing thing!

- Bathroom, now!

- Bao, thattaway.

All-inclusive.

- This just feels too easy, man.

I mean, the guy just appears

out of nowhere

with his giant freak

of a sidekick

he shows us some I.D.,

and then we go with him.

- Dude, you saw his I.D.,

it's legit.

- No. No, it looks like

he made it at a los Kinkos.

- Dude, look, do you remember

that time I ended up

in Compton smokin' crack

in that hotel with that hooker

with the giant bush

and pancake tits,

looked like she was straight

out of national geographic?

- Yeah. Right.

- Right?

People f***in' love that story.

This night has to top that.

Do you got that?

That night, this night.

That night, this night.

Okay? Stay focused.

This night.

Come on, let's have fun.

- Okay, you're good,

you're good, you're good,

you're good, you're good,

you're good.

I'm not good. I'm not good.

Tommy. Tommy, hold on, man.

Listen.

- Hey, hey, look.

It's your birthday.

I'm your best friend.

And I promise I won't let

anything happen to you.

Okay?

- All right. Yeah.

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