Happy Birthday

---

Brady?

- Hey, babe, it's me.

Hey. I took the red-eye,

I wanted to surprise you.

- Surprise.

So, how was it?

- It was great, actually.

- Good.

- I met DMC. Run DMC.

- What?

- Yeah. He's adopted, too.

He was telling me he spent

his entire life in queens

just a couple blocks away

from his birth mother.

Never knew it.

- Wow.

- And they were talking about

fate and if he wasn't adopted,

would he ever have been

in run DMC? It was cool.

- That's crazy.

It's like you.

See? It's fate, babe.

- Fate, god, whatever,

I'm happy.

- Oh, cougar breath.

- Okay.

A little role-play,

no kissing. I like it.

- I'm on my period, babe.

- That's okay. Okay.

I remember when we

first started dating.

We'd have sex whether

you were on your period

or the house was burning down.

I'll be right back.

- Okay.

- What the f*** is this?

- What is that?

"She told me she had

a boyfriend the morning after."

- Wait, what?

Where did you get that?

- Maybe if you didn't nag me

to put the toilet seat up

all the time...

Let me see the string.

- What?

- You have your period.

Let me see the string!

- Look, Brady, I'm sorry.

I got really drunk, I didn't

know what I was doing.

I'm sorry.

- Well, happy f***ing birthday

to me.

What?

"Gremlins"? You want me to do

a reboot of "gremlins"?

Okay, I tell you what.

I will do a remake

of "gremlins," but this time

can't it be a racist

commentary against white people?

Yeah. Well, the original

was just a racist movie

about a bunch of troublemaking

dark-skinned critters

afraid of water,

break dancing to rap music,

staying up all night and eating

f***ing fried chicken.

Hello?

F***, dude.

- How long do you think

this has been going on for?

'Cause I replay it like...

- dude. F*** her.

Come on. It's your birthday.

Let's get sh*t-canned. Do

you have to work this weekend?

- Yeah, I do, actually. I have

to f***ing take meetings

for that lesbian action movie,

"hurricane dykes."

- All right, I should be

f***ing directing that.

Come on. Can't you get me

a meeting Sy?

- You can maybe get him

a cup of coffee.

- I thought you were

my best friend. Wow.

- I can't just get you a job,

okay? That's not how it works.

- No, it's fine. You'll see.

One day

I'm gonna have a project that's

gonna blow your f***in' mind...

But you'll just pass it up

'cause you're thinkin'

about your f***ing girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

- What are you working on now?

- Funny you should ask.

'Cause I've got

the most amazing f***ing story

you've ever heard.

"Batshit," tale to the heart

of darkness,

classic black-hat villain,

twists, turns, danger, drugs.

Unexpected love.

- Sounds great, man.

- Sounds f***ing great.

- You guys ready to order?

- I'd like the French toast,

please

and more coffee, whenever

you get a chance. Thanks, man.

- And for you?

- Yeah, eggs Florentine

with the poached, and a bagel

instead of the English.

- Did you just get a bagel?

- Yes, I did.

- I'm impressed. Wow.

- If you caught your brother

with his dick in a bagel hole

when you were 11.

- He likes lots of cream cheese.

- No cream cheese.

I don't think I can ever

have cream cheese again.

But thanks.

- Thanks, man.

- Oh, hey, look.

Before I forget.

Happy birthday, buddy.

- Wow!

You really broke out Bruce's

black card for this, huh?

- Look at it.

- Tijuana?

- Tijuana? What do you think,

I'm half a fag?

Tijuana's for p*ssy tourists

and college students.

You know what? I thought

we could get a couple

of wheelchairs and role-play

"born on the fourth of July."

Dude, your girlfriend

cheated on you.

So you've got no choice

but to go to Mexico,

find the dirtiest hotel room

and f*** the grossest hooker

we can find.

So no, I am not taking you

to Tijuana.

I am taking you

to the "real" Mexico.

Drug roulette? Drug roulette?

- No.

I don't want to play drug roulette, man.

- Come on.

- Have you actually been

to Mexicali before?

What's the danger level

we're looking at here?

- It isn't number one on the top ten

most dangerous cities in Mexico.

Okay, look,

would you stop worrying?

Please. Come on, dude, look.

I've taken care of everything.

- Does your dad know you

have this?

- Mm. Only way that soulless

bastard shows affection.

- Yeah, at least you got one

to be disappointed in, man.

- Didn't you find your real dad?

Granted, he's got a whole

other family

and doesn't give two shits

about you

but f***ing look at you, man.

You are one step away

from the most powerful guy

in Hollywood.

Who, by the way,

treats you more like a son

than my dad does me.

What's the yellow one?

Is that Adderall or Propecia?

Okay. That's like

the tenth f***ing time

you've checked that phone

in the past five minutes.

Do you want me to turn around?

- No.

No, no, no, no. F*** that b*tch,

right? F*** her.

- That's right. Yeah.

F*** that whore, dude.

What happened to that one chick?

That hot Asian girl

from the "green inferno" party?

- She had a penis.

- Oh, right, she did.

- She was hot, too. Too bad.

- Too bad. She had a penis.

- Yeah, I'll tell ya,

I'd rather date a Tranny

than date one of those

giant muscle chicks.

Did you ever see that porno

with that Chyna wrestler?

- No, man.

- Her clit was so f***ing huge,

it was like a bloated,

boiled cashew.

- Gross, man. I changed

my mine. I want to turn around.

We're gonna turn this around.

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