Hacks Page #2

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if I was ten years younger...

Stanhope Feast.

If I was 40 years older...

Why didn't I have children like you?

Oh, God!

Baby, did she tire you out?

Oh, Dad, come and sit down!

Look, when I need help,

I'll light a distress flare

and I'll stick it up my arse.

All right? Bugger off!

Connor needs to get his feet

under the table before Ho Chi Mao,

second wife, persuades the old man

to put her kids in charge.

What must their Christmas

dinners be like?

Think King Lear,

but with no Cordelia.

Dad, I figure this would be

an opportune time to inform

Oliver that he's the new editor.

Ah.

Oh, f*** it! We made a decision!

Look, look, look.

What does that say?

F***ing President of European Media.

You see? That's me!

You should get her into bed,

cos I'm never going to.

Naughty, naughty!

So, you and me going to be

a page one splash?

"Soap star cheats on wife."

As I always tell married celebs,

sleeping with me

is the only way to stay

out of the papers.

DOOR KNOCKS:

It's OK, it'll be Zoe.

I've...

Thanks, Zoe.

Oh, is that enough to... DOOR SLAMS

I know married men always say this,

but my marriage is over.

We're separating.

Obviously, no-one knows.

Obviously not.

No-one would know that.

We're keeping it quiet cos of my

daughter. Look, can I call you?

Er, yes.

Oh, so that was it?

No, no, no. I want to see you again.

It's just...

You know, mobile phones

are so impersonal.

Landlines aren't so bad,

and letters, they're fantastic.

Letters?

Like, written letters?

Is this an Asperger's thing?

Er, yes.

Does that put you off me?

Nothing would put me off you!

Micah Todd, off the telly!

'The doctor got me an appointment.'

'She stopped self-harming.

She just harms other people now.'

'That's a bad sign.'

'He was killed by friendly fire.'

'Mum's taken those pills again,

and I can't wake her up!'

F***! What do you mean

she's a reporter?

But what did you tell her?

Honestly, I've never met

anyone like her.

(MIMICS PRIME MINISTER)

Yes, it's the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister.

No, no, no. I always get that.

Look, I require a copy of my

medical records, urgently.

No, Connor, it'll be fine.

It's just one rogue reporter.

Zoe, keys!

Looks like someone died

in a car crash.

Look, Oliver, I'm sorry.

No, don't be sorry!

Go down on your knees and thank me!

You wanted something big

to divert from the royal hacking.

Well, Crimewatch presenters

Chrissie Walters and Dan Goss.

Friday night, we pinged them

at the same flat.

Saturday morning,

a mysterious accident broke

the blind in the bedroom.

Saturday night, they obliged us.

I've got, oh, 100 photos

of them on the job.

And they're both married.

Yes, Oliver, to each other.

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