Grumpy Old Men Page #5

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Damn!

What the hell is that?

For Christ's sake.

Gustafson.

You schmuck!

Disgrace the way they coach that team.

Stay there.

Stay there, you bastard.

-How are you, Punky?

-Hey, buttercup.

Give me two packs of Camels and a cup

of your special coffee, love-muffin.

You should smoke filter cigarettes.

Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old.

What the hell do I care?

Thank you, dear.

Max is here.

Come on, love-muffin.

Thanks.

You're always there to save me.

Yeah, right.

When Billy Gerber locked me

in the tree house...

...you were my knight in shining armor.

And I got a black eye for my effort.

There you go.

I always knew, you know.

Knew what?

That you liked me since sixth grade.

You watched me with

your dad's binoculars.

What?

You never wondered why my curtains

were open just enough?

I thought I was lucky.

I just did it to torture you.

Well you succeeded wonderfully.

How come you never asked me out?

Hey, Mel! Hi, Jakie!

Mel, is the turkey supposed

to be smoking?

Oh, I better run.

Happy Thanksgiving!

How are you?

Good.

They're getting a divorce.

Mel and Mike are divorcing. They

call it a separation but it's a divorce.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So, are you seeing anyone special?

No, I guess not. Nobody serious.

What do you know?

We got a new neighbor, you hear?

Everyone in town is talking about her.

She hasn't been out since 11 :20.

What, are you clocking her?

She keeps odd hours.

Very interesting woman.

Sounds like a wacko to me.

I haven't had sex for 15 years.

Could I have some?

That was plenty.

Give Jakie some leftovers to take home.

He'll have his own.

That pre-cooked stuff his old man gets?

That tastes like cardboard.

Why don't you go and talk to her?

Talk to who?

You spent half the meal

staring out the window.

Squirrels.

The squirrels on her roof.

That's what I was staring at.

You're a handsome guy with a nice house,

a good pension. You got a lot to offer.

Well, I got something to offer her.

I got zip to offer her.

I can't tell if this is done!

Do you know how many minutes

this needs to cook?

Getting hungry.

Sure be nice to have some turkey.

Remember the turkey

your mother used to make?

Damn, she was a good cook.

You remember the stuffing?

The best.

How about those potato latkes?

You said Chuck was at the V.F.W.

He is.

I don't think so.

What are you talking about?

Looks like he's making a house call.

What?

What the--

Hell is he doing there?

He's going to do it.

So?

What?

What is he doing in that crazy....

-Son of a...

-Jealous?

He's in.

He's in. He's in.

Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye

to the optometrist.

Oh, Jeez, Dad. What?

Chuck, where are you?

Hello, fellas.

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