Gilbert Page #5

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This one's my DVDs.

The term is merch.

So they'll go hey you

selling any merch?

Got any merch?

And so I bring merch.

- When you live in a

three million dollar co-op

in New York City like

Gilbert does yeah,

it's weird to sell your

DVDs after your shows.

Especially when no one has a

f***in' DVD player anymore.

- He is one of the cheapest

people in the world.

So Gilbert's going to kinda

cut corners wherever he can.

(gentle music)

- You can't do that to yourself.

You can't.

That's how you end up getting

shorter and sh*t, you just

keep yourself all cramped

up in the back of the bus.

How the f*** does he ride a bus?

There's not people on there

going is that Gilbert Gottfried?

(laughing)

Hey I wanna use the bathroom

on the bus, I can't,

Gilbert Gottfried's in there.

- Is Gilbert Gottfried

getting on the bus?

(laughing)

That's awesome,

I'm such a Aladdin fan.

- Hey, hey how are you?

- Whenever I go to

hotels I get my brush--

- Here you go darling,

here you go sweetheart.

- Hey do you have underarm?

- Huh?

- Underarm.

- Let me see if

we have any here.

You know what?

Since you're such a sweetheart

I'm giving this to you.

- Oh thank you.

- There you go.

- See?

Years in the business.

You get a free one

ounce underarm.

(laughing)

Here we are at a torn

up, beat up, dirty couch

and in a cluttered office and

I'm sure the audience thinks

it's probably some

palace back here.

Dangerfield had this line

he always used to say.

No matter how big you are

you always enter

through the kitchen.

(laughing)

And it's true.

It's like you're watching

through the kitchen

being careful 'cause the floor's

greasy and you go onstage

to the applause.

(applauding and cheering)

You know Michael Douglas

said that he thinks

he may have gotten throat

cancer from performing oral sex

on his wife.

I don't know.

I think cancer is a

small price to pay

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

(laughing)

(playful music)

I would take any

strain of cancer

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

You could give me

Parkinson's disease

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

You can give me a combination

of polio and leprosy

to lick Catherine

Zeta-Jones's p*ssy.

You can give me Lou

Gehrig's disease.

You can give me a form of

muscular dystrophy so powerful

that while I'm licking

Catherine Zeta-Jones's p*ssy

Jerry Lewis pops out of it.

(laughing)

(mimicking Jerry Lewis)

Thank you, goodnight.

(cheering and applauding)

You wanna know what a big

star does out on the road?

You know like say the Rolling

Stones just did a big show

and then what happens next?

Well me, I soak my socks

and underwear in the sink.

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