Ghosts Of Girlfriend Past


Good morning, Connor.

Versace is on 1.


- Clear out.

- Good, good, good. Oh, I like this.

Okay, ladies,

do not look at me or the camera.

Just keep doing what you do.

On three. One, two, three.

All right. Reset, I'll be right back.

Pull the backlight down, and stop.

And more martinis around.

Nice work, gentlemen.

Connor wants a re-light on one.

We're moving to Stage 2.

And the Vanity Fair cover

is waiting on two.

- Oh, hey, you.

- Hi, Mr. Mead.

Hey. Good morning, ladies.

So do you wanna have dinner

with us after?

I'd love to, but I can't.

I'm booked solid, ladies.

But I will find you, okay?


You want me to book them?

- Yes.

- Bye.

- Separately or together?

- Yes. Ha, ha.

- Good morning, Kalia.

- Hello.

I'm Connor Mead.

- You're ravishing.

- Well, thank you.

Stand here, please.

All right.

Let's get started.

Get rid of the green screen.

- Um, let's cozy up. Give me key light.

- Wha...?

- Bring it over and down six inches.

- Excuse me, what are you doing?

And keep the set medic on cue just in case.

Can I have the, um...?


- This is my wardrobe.

- That's the one. Oh, an ode to Billy Tell.

I just wanna let you know

that I'm a huge fan.

Likewise. I mean, I'm not 12 years old

and tone-deaf, so I don't like your music...

...but I really dig your look.

Can we come here and strengthen up

these eyebrows a touch?

- Stay right there. Stay right there.

- So this is it?

This is the picture?

- I'm half naked with an apple on my head.

- Yes, you are.

This is the cover of Vanity Fair

from the great Connor Mead?

Well, not quite.

I'd like to introduce you to Kako Tatsumi.

She's a Japanese archery champion.

She's gonna be helping us out today.

And you have nothing to fear.

She placed sixth in Beijing.

Are you joking?

Is he...? Is he joking?

Kalia, chin down, eyes here,

arms to your side.

- Somebody tell me he's joking.

- Don't move.

Kako, on my count.

She didn't even medal!

Just listen to my music.

I am more than my look. I am.

Sweetie, you are already gorgeous.

Why do you need

to be good at two things, huh?


- Need your select on the mayor's proofs.

- Now?

And I'm juggling three of your buddies...

...on iChat.

- Does she knock?

Sorry. You told me to make sure

you were on the road by 2.


Your brother's wedding in Newport?

- That's today?

- The rehearsal dinner's tonight... your Uncle Wayne's old estate.

- Oh, God, I gotta get up there.

And I have Kiki, Charlece and Nadja

on your IM. They keep calling.

- Nadja. Remind me who Nadja is again?

- Nadja was dinner Friday night.

- Right. Very pretty girl. Didn't say much.

- She's Romanian. Barely speaks English.

Well, that explains it.

Scan these to Mike right away.

I am a touch busy, if you could

take care of those calls, I'd appreciate it.

No. No way. I'm not breaking up with girls

for you, Connor.

That's where I draw the line.

I believe in karma.


- Conference them.

- Conference them?

- Conference them.

- Oh, no, you wouldn't.

Oh, yes, I would.

They're conferenced.

Click here to disconnect.

- Hello, ladies, it's Connor Mead.

- Hi, Connor.

- Hi.

- Whoa, is there anyone else on the line?

Listen, I'm sincerely pressed for time

right now, so I'm gonna...

Well, I'm gonna have to do this in bulk.


It's not gonna work out for us.

- Wait, are you kidding me?

- What?

Tell me you're not breaking up

with me on a conference call.

- But I thought things were going great.

- You are a womans hater.

Connor Mead hates womans.

No, no, no, I love womans.

I mean, "women," all right?

I love all women.

That's the problem here.

No. The problem is you date a girl for

two weeks, get her to fall in love with you...

He takes the love and he hoard it,

like a miser.

Jesus, doesn't anyone

just wanna have fun anymore?

I like to have fun.

All right, then don't listen to these ladies.

They are crazy.

We can still hear you

when you cover the camera, you know.

- Right.

- Emotionally retarded.

- You really need therapy.

- You stupid boy.

Ladies, it sounds like you have

an awful lot to discuss, okay?

So I'm gonna jump off,

but feel free to keep talking, okay?

Kiki, Nadja, Charlece, I had an amazing time

with each one of you.

I wish you all the best.

- Goodbye.

- No, we are not done...

You really are as bad as they say.

Oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse.

Of course, you'd never treat me

that way, right?

No. I just did that for you.

I'm cleaning my plate for the main course.

You're the biggest jerk ever.

In fact, you're even famous for it.

No, really, why am I doing this?

Well, it usually has something to do

with your father.

Oh, please.

I've never even met my father.

Well, come to papa.

Okay, here we go.

This will have gone like clockwork,

so at 1529 I will say:

"You may kiss the bride."

Oh, we should practice that,

shouldn't we?

- Oh, God.

- Paulie. Hey.

- Connor. Go around.

- Yeah.

He came.

- He came.

- He came.

- What's wrong?

- What?

Well, you and all but one of my bridesmaids

have slept with him... he can't be that bad, right?

- No.

- Jenny, soothe the nervous bride.

- Oh, it's fine.



- Good to see you. Yeah.

- You made it.

- You look great.

- Thank you, man.

What do you think about what

we did to Uncle Wayne's old karate dojo?

- Whoa.

- I'm psyched.

I didn't think

you were gonna make the rehearsal.

Well, I wanted to get here early...

...make sure you had time

to think about our last conversation.

You know, the one about marriage, love,

never-ending lifelong monogamy?

Yes, I definitely thought about it.

- You did? Good, good.

- Yes, I did.

If you're having second thoughts,

here's the key to my Jag.

You give me the word, I'll block.

- Oh, my God, you're serious.

- You're damn right.

Man, I'll do anything for you.

Who's got your back, huh?

Hey, it's you and me

against the world, right?

Why is he giving him keys?

- Why's he giving him keys?

- Oh, I bet he's giving you a car.

- I'm just gonna go check on that.

- Okay.

Connor, we've talked about this.

I wanna get married. I love Sandra.

- You say that now, okay?

- Everything okay here, guys?

Because we're still,

you know, rehearsing.

- Jenny Perotti.

- Connor Mead.

- I'll be damned.

- That's probably true.

- Hey, the bride's unsupervised.

- I'm on it.

- Buddy, we're not done talking about this.

- Done talking about what?

- Options.

- Options.

Yeah, listen to me, Connor.

This is the biggest weekend in Sandy's life.

If you detract from her wedding...

...I will sneak into your room

and cut off your favorite appendage.

Now, the first part sounds nice.

I can make it look like an accident.

Don't push me.

Just try to be supportive. Normal.

Just not a train wreck for once.

- I'll be on my best behavior.

- That worries me.

I will, I'll be supportive. Whatever.

- Really?

- Yes.

Come on.

See? I knew there wouldn't be

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Jon Lucas

Jonathan Lucas (born October 29, 1975) is an American film director and screenwriter. He is best known for his collaborative work with Scott Moore, which includes The Hangover, 21 & Over and Bad Moms. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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