Filth Page #5

Hey, what's happening?

Has anybody called an ambulance yet?

- Colin, look at me.

- Has he stopped breathing?

Do something, please. Do something.

Come on, Colin.

Colin. Colin.

Look at me. Come on.

Colin! Colin, come on!

Come on!

Oh, God.

What's happened

to that f***ing ambulance then, eh?

- Oh, God!

- Somebody phone an ambulance!

How have you been since

our last consultation, Bruce?

No problems, I presume, eh?

None.

I trust you're still taking

your medication regularly, yes?

Oh, aye.

Well, this should see you through

to your next appointment, yes?

I'll see you in the new year.

Right?

- Merry Christmas to you, Bruce.

- Thank you, Dr Rossi. Thank you.

And Merry Christmas to you, too, eh?

Well, thank you for that, Bruce.

Oh, yes...

F*** off!

Hello.

Welcome to the Fantastic Shed Show.

My mum's in. If she hears that I'm doing a

TV show out in the garden, she'll go mad.

Cunty Bunty, Cunty Bunty,

how does your big minge grow?

- Hello?

- Hello, Bunty.

It's Frank Sidebottom here.

I've had just about enough of you.

He told us, right, that you have got

a big hairy fanny, though, Bunty.

- You're pathetic!

- That you...

like to take it up the bum, Bunty.

- Who told you that nonsense?

- Eh...

- Are you ready, Little Frank?

- Little Frank.

Who's Little Frank?

I'm not talking any

more, Bunty, I've got...

- Is that you, Mum?

- Oh, it's my mum.

No, I'm not talking to dirty prostitutes

again, Mum. You can't have the phone...

Thank you, brothers.

That concludes the formal part of this

evening's proceedings and our meeting.

Let us now retire for

a moment of harmony.

- What made you join the force, Bruce?

- Police oppression, brother.

I'd witnessed far too many cases of it

in the mining community I grew up in.

And you wanted to stamp it out

from the inside?

- No, I wanted to be a part of it.

- You're a terror, Bruce.

Clifford Blades, a chartered

accountant and therefore a sad wanker.

Bladesey's not only the newest and

most gullible member of this Lodge,

he's also the wealthiest.

Ideal target practice for the games.

Same rules apply.

And that's why the Craft's been so good

for me, Bruce. Everyone's accepted.

Enough of that shite.

Are you getting any at home, Bladesey?

Well, that side of

things hasn't improved.

This crank caller

just won't stop phoning Bunty.

It's affecting her, you know...

Thing about women,

you have to shag them regularly.

You keep them f***ed, man,

they will do absolutely anything for you.

Actually, two things.

Well shod, well shagged.

And that's what you do

with your wife, Bruce?

Course it f***ing is.

See, these marriage counselling f***ing

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