Fifty Pills

Hi. I hate myself.

Leave a message.

Darren, you dumb son of a bitch, stop

wallowing in self pity and wake up.

Christ. All right, look. I'm already

on my way to Philly for the weekend.

Lindsays being a bitch about something.

Someone told her I banged

her older sister, which I did.

But it was while we broke up

for that week in September.

I don't know why shes so pissed about

it. But anyway, I gotta head down there

before she goes ballistic on

me. But, um, back to my point. I

Hi. I hate myself.

Leave a message.

Darren, you dipshit. I

know you're still sleeping.

So wake up. I found a way

for your ass to stay in school.

Okay, man look. I felt kinda bad

about the whole thing with the alcohol

violation, and your scholarship.

You're the one that threw

the party, you asshole.

I'm the one that threw the party,

and I'm the asshole. I know.

So I guess you could say this

is my way of making it up to you.

Okay? Now look on my desk.

There are 50 pills of

ecstasy, and one of my pagers.

Now you have to remember

there's no voicemail on that one

so the numbers are gonna

come straight through, okay?

Look, exams are over, my man, and

you know are gonna wanna get down

What the f*ck are you talking

about, Coleman? I cant do this.

Sure you can. - I am not like you.

I'm not a fucking drug dealer.

What are you thinking, man? Are you

crazy? - Darren, you'll do fine.

But, uh, no, this

- No. No buts.

I am gonna fucking get arrested.

Look, man. Its only one day,

and no ones gonna notice you.

I have to turn in a paper

on Dantes Inferno today.

Look, man, uh, I gotta go.

You're, you're breakin up here really

bad. Listen hang in there, buddy, bye.

No, don't you fucking hang

up this... Coleman! Coleman,

I cant do this. I'm

not gonna do this. F*ck!

Holy shit.

I hate you, Coleman!

#FIFTY PILLS#

#NEW YORK CITY#

#FOUR MONTHS EARLIER#

#COLEMAN#

My first year at college.

Its about damn time. Thats what

you're supposed to say, right?

Within 10 minutes, I met

my new roommate, Coleman.

From the first time I saw him, I

knew Id never met anybody like him.

Yo, yo, Green Day. What the f*ck,

does this look like my bathroom?

What are you gonna do next, take

a shit on my bed? - Yo, man, sorry.

Yeah, don't be sorry,

just fix it. Its simple.

Hey, whats up, man, I'm Coleman.

I didnt know if I wanted

to know anybody like him.

It made me wonder why his parents sent

movers instead of coming by themselves.

Mine, mine wanted to. Just they really

couldnt take the time off of work.

Do well, son.

First time away from home?

- Yeah. I went to camp, though, once.

You ever had international phone sex?

- What?

Wait, hold that thought.

Uh, do you smoke?

Hell yeah, I'm from

North Carolina, come on.

I grew up on these things.

Thats okay. Enjoy.

You cant imagine how rad it is to

get off while talking to some chick

on another continent whos getting

off, and sometimes in a language

that you don't even speak. Kicks ass.

I was impressed. It was either at

that moment or somewhere near it

that Coleman became

my new personal hero.

Its like this. If you

act like the fuckin man

and you think you're the fuckin

man, then nothing is gonna make

that other schmuck lookin up to you

think that you're not the fuckin man.

Everything in

life involves a little creativity.

It literally took Coleman

about five minutes

No, no, no, no, no. Four

minutes, 15 seconds, please.

Four minutes, 15 seconds to realize

that we had to have a moving in party.

The best way to have a good party is

To fucking advertise. New

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