Fever Pitch Page #5

- Lindsey, this Ben guy has got such a good vibe.

- Good.

- And he's nothing like the guys you usually date.

- I know.

- And how cute is he?

- Yeah? Well, I'm really glad you guys feel this way...

because if you didn't, I was gonna

have to find three new friends.

- No, no, no, I really think you've got something here.

- Me too.

Yeah, but... something's

not quite right.

- Robin.

- No, no, he's great.

He is. I love him.

He's a doll.

- But he's not 22.

- So?

So, where's he been?

Why is he still on the market?

- Um-

- Maybe he hasn't found the right person yet.

Well, by now he should be

with the wrong person.

How has he not been

tranquilized and tagged?

Let me get this straight.

You got two season tickets

behind the Red Sox dugout?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. My uncle left them to me.

- Behind the dugout?

Yeah. Well, not really behind, like next to it.

Fifteen feet away.

You can see right into it at a certain point.

It's pretty awesome.

Let me ask you this.

Do you find my wife

attractive at all?

'Cause we could work

something out.

Well, do you?

You know what you need to do? You need to

go to his apartment and go through his things.

You need to go through his closets,

sofa cushions. You need to get on his computer.

And what exactly

am I looking for?

Anything that explains

why hes still single.

My company can run

a credit check on him.

You know, he could be

a deadbeat dad.

This is an insane asylum.

So, uh, when they wheeled out

Ted Williams at the all-star game-

I was there.

I was 10 feet away from him.

Old men crying.

Tears.

Tough old guys.

I even started

to lose it, you know.

I got a program.

I could show you.

If Lindsey ever breaks up

with you, I'll kill her.

Lindsey, do you remember

that guy Maureen Durst went out with?

- Uh, sort of. Why?

- Terry whats-his-name?

We all thought

he was great too.

- Well, what happened?

- Oh, my God. She went to his apartment and-

Shh. My story. Stand by.

She's at his place.

He's in the shower.

She wants to make the bed, so she goes

to the closet. Guess what she finds.

Oh, I don't know.

What'd she find?

Two large plastic bags containing

all of the hair and nail clippings...

from his entire life.

Eww!

- Eww!

- That's a true story.

I'm telling you, there is a reason

this Ben guy is still single.

- Come on!

- I promised him we'd wait.

- We're always waiting for him.

- I gave him my word.

You guys wait?

- Yeah.

- Come on, man.

- Did anyone die because youre here?

- No, no, no.

I got another anesthesiologist

to cover for me.

All right, are you ready?

Hey, come on! God.

A new season.

A clean slate.

Yep, this smells like the year.

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