Everybody Wants Some Page #2

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to f*** with us, the kings.

Look, if you'd opened your mouth, too,

you'd have been shut down.

You don't see that?

No, I don't, actually.

Only been at college an hour

and I'm already pulling in

the groupies, man!

That was a joke.

Got your joke right here.

Did he just call his dick a joke?

That's what he implied.

- To the Fox?

- To the Fox.

Didn't it seem

like most of the girls we saw today were,

you know, moving into

the dorms on campus?

That's what we're talking about!

Oh, thank God. Finally.

Mmm-hmm.

Thanks, man.

So don't you think we would get more

ass living on campus?

You know, where all the girls are.

No, no.

Have a clue, freshman. The dorms suck.

You guys have no idea.

They gave us two houses.

Man, we've got it made.

No dorm resident snitches keeping track.

You know, den-mother types

up your ass.

No centralized authority.

It's f***ing brilliant.

Let's just hope they don't

realize what they've done.

- Oh, yeah.

- Mmm-hmm.

We knew we'd find you drunks here!

What miserable updraft

wafts you three hither?

- Oh, bite me, Finn.

- I will not...

Dismount.

This is our third bar

of the afternoon, boys!

You one of the new freshmen?

- Yeah, Jake.

- Coma.

Hey, Alex Brumley.

Hey, man. Nice to meet you.

Nesbit. A pleasure.

Go get some glasses, Brumley.

Yeah, sure thing, dude.

Whoa, is...

Wait, Jay Niles isn't with you guys?

Who's Jay Niles?

You haven't heard of Jay Niles?

The second coming of Nolan Ryan.

Yeah, man, 95-mile-an-hour fastball.

Self-professed, mind you.

He's this intense f*** from Detroit,

who just kind of spouts out all his stats

and just talks about

what a pro prospect he is.

How'd that guy end up here?

Well, he's filling the obligatory quota.

You know, we have to have at least

two weirdos on every team.

Now we're full up.

Wait, Jay Niles, one. Two? Who's two?

You, you sawed-off drunk f***.

No, actually your roommate,

Beuter, the hayseed.

- Ah.

- Can we agree?

We can agree.

I thought his name was Billy Autrey.

Oh, it was, until we changed it

to the most country bumpkin name

we could come up with.

Beuter Perkins.

Beuter!

Hey, you guys sure Coach

isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?

F***, Brumley,

you've seriously asked that at every bar.

"Are you sure Coach

isn't gonna know if we've been drinking?

"What if he smells my breath?"

We're f***ing drinking, man!

That's what we're doing!

- Yeah, we are.

- Okay? Yeah.

Cheers for the beers.

What is that brown sh*t on your lip?

I thought it was like a light,

like a shadow on your lip, but it...

- Is that a mustache?

- Yeah.

Ugh!

I'm sorry. Don't touch it. Don't...

Ew. Stop.

- Oh!

- Ugh!

Yeah, it's a mustache.

That's a mustache.

- It's growing.

- Was that hair?

Full throttle to the bottle.

Shut up, Brumley.

Why does he keep

saying things like that?

Finn, I'm seriously

worried about these new guys. I mean...

It's gonna be a strange year, man.

- Hey, whoa!

- Oh!

If you haven't met yet,

I'd like to introduce you

to the new guys on the team.

Freshman Ty Plummer, catcher.

Stand up, Ty. Come on, son.

Alex Brumley, outfield.

Hey, guys.

Sit down.

All right. Jake Bradford

and Billy Autrey, both freshman pitchers.

Also, I'm taking a leap

this year on two transfers,

trying to shore up our pitching staff.

From California,

senior Charlie Willoughby.

Stand up, Willoughby.

Guys.

And from Detroit, Jay Niles.

All right.

For you vets, I expect you

to show the new guys around.

Hopefully be a positive

influence on them.

I'd appreciate that, all right?

Wake up, Coma!

Okay, for the eight of you

living in this house

and the eight of you living next door,

there's gonna be

some guidelines for living here.

The city's been generous enough

to donate these houses

to help with the overcrowding

situation in athletic dorms,

and we've agreed to be

responsible for them.

So, two rules.

Number one.

No alcohol in these houses, okay?

It's against school policy.

Need I say more?

Now, we can't stop you

from having a drink

down at that Jolly Fox

and Sound Machine, or whatever.

You're all over 18, all right?

Just no booze in this house.

Okay. Number two,

and it's a biggie, gentlemen.

No girls upstairs in those bedrooms.

What?

Yup. I'm sorry.

She's gonna have to

take it back to her place or,

if you want, you can spend as much time

as you like together down here.

There's plenty of room

in both these houses for socializing.

So, if you just gotta

bring some little gal back to the house,

you keep her buns downstairs.

You got it?

Don't want the program taken

down by a piece of poontang.

Okay, that's it.

Voluntary practice is on Sunday.

That's players-only now.

Rulebook says I can't be on the field,

so I'll see you fellas on Monday.

Be responsible out there

this weekend, okay?

Think before you do

something stupid, please.

Skip?

All right. Mac, you got something?

Yeah. Hey, new guys, listen up.

Just so you know,

"voluntary" means mandatory, okay?

Everybody's got to be there.

If you're not there,

then you probably don't care

about beating those f***ers

from Arizona.

And if you're not serious about

that, you might as well go home.

Oh, yeah. We're taking it

this year, fellas.

All the way.

All right! Our lucky year!

Get ready, boys,

your college careers are about to begin.

- How's it going?

- Yeah, yeah!

Murphy! Trouble walking in.

- How's it going, man?

- Hey. Two-dollar cover.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no. They're with us.

Freshman superstars.

It's all right. Let them in.

Thanks, man.

Have fun, boys.

Hey, shake something,

don't break something.

Yes, sir.

- Hey, hey, guys.

- Yeah?

If you guys want more beer,

go to Howard.

The guy that looks like Cheech.

We're getting all this sh*t for free, okay?

Dude! No cover and free beer.

Mmm-hmm.

College is the f***ing greatest!

Hey, it's part of the scholarship.

Say goodbye to your

high school sweethearts, fellas.

The wonderful world

of college p*ssy is upon you.

Ladies! How was your summer?

Fun. How was yours?

Angie, you look amazing.

Let me introduce you to

some of the new guys. This is Jake.

- Hey. Nice to meet you.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

That dude is Plum.

What's up? Tyrone.

- How you doing?

- Hi.

- You guys wanna dance?

- Yeah.

Cheers. To a beautiful night.

There we go.

Mmm.

- Oh, yeah.

- Whoo!

We're gonna need a couple more.

Yeah, come on!

She needs quite a few more.

You do, too.

- Lookit.

- What? What's up?

Finn's in his average cock mode.

Right now, I guarantee you

he's telling those girls

about how he has an average cock.

Why the hell would he do that?

See, no, it's genius, actually.

See, he tells girls

that he has an average cock,

and while that might only seem

moderately compelling on paper,

women find it a relief

from all the guys talking

about how huge they are.

I'm a performer, all right?

I'm a grower, not a shower.

See all that fun, all that laughing?

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