Eddie Izzard: Definite Article Page #3

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Azerbaijan.

And all these people made

food, like Granny Smith.

Granny Smith made apples. Who

was this woman, Granny Smith?

My name is Mrs. Smith, Ive made

apples out of bread, a dripping

and a bit of green paint,

and corrugated iron.

No, these are horrible

apples, Mrs. Smith.

Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away

until your daughter has a baby.

Shag, daughter, shag!

Its a marketing idea, shag for babies!

My daughters had a baby,

Im Granny Smith now!

Come in, Granny Smith!

You a wonderful idea, you!

Come in with your shiny apples.

Brought family member, Mr. Delicious.

Hes got apples Gold

Delicious. Come in, Gold.

King Edward, abdicated the throne,

took up potato-making, there we go

Mrs. Simpson, jewellery

And theres Hitler as well,

they used to hang out together,

and Jeff Bruckley, of

the Bruckley family.

Its all about threes

apples are great,

apples are user-friendly,

just big, hearty

- you grab em, you go...

and then you start to eat them, and

Always do the dog impression first,

and when you get close to the pips

in the middle, you go, Ew!... and

you throw it away,

in case you swallowed a pip and

a tree comes out of your head.

We know this to be true

And oranges! Theres a big war,

dont know if you know,

but theres this sort of internal

war going on between the big,

old-fashioned oranges,

big, fuckoff, kind of

Stalinist, big,

fuckoff kind of oranges,

and the new baby Satsuma,

Minneola, kumquat,

MG:

Satsumari, kind of

Big fat war on that, because to eat a

Satsuma, its a piece of piss, you just go...

And you break off these

one by one, dont you?

And youve got so much of it,

and if theres people in the room,

you go, Go on, go on!

Its like a very cheap round, isnt it?

Go on, Satsuma for everyone!

And if youre the other person in the room,

you go, No, no Well, all right, yeah

Thank you very much. Yeah

So Satsumas are great,

eatings a piece of piss,

but you cant do it with an orange.

You go, You want a bit of orange?

Ive got f***ing ell!

Cant f***ing hell

Cause inside an orange -

its like the film Das Boot in there!

With Jrgen Prochnov going, Dont

let them get in to the orange!

Its most important! Or the juice

will get out, and itll not be good.

Theyre breaking in with

fingers, depth charges!

Let the peel come off

only in small chunks!

Sh*t!

Jesus Christ!

Theyre breaking in! Push all the pips

into bits they wouldnt expect, thatll do!

'Cause it is! Theres no chance

of someone eating an orange, going,

Hey! Youre very nice

Theres not a chance of someone

who speaks like that anyway

So oranges can f***

off, thats what I say!

And pears can f*** off too! Cause

theyre gorgeous little beasts,

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