Eddie Izzard: Definite Article

Synopsis: 'Definite Article' marks that thrilling moment when a promising talent moves up several gears into major stardom"--Daily Telegraph, UK
Director(s): Ed Bye
Actors: Eddie Izzard
109 min

They call it coming out of a book,

and youve got to do it at some

point in your life, havent you?

Youve got to just fuckin come out of a

book, you know, surprise

your neighbours! Hey!

A fucking big book next door, yes

Andy Warhol said, Youve always gotta

come out of a book at some point,

he said, and then, poof! And big hair

Or he said something like that.

So were here, yesThis is the

video, a very, very special video

a video album,

this is what it is

of all the incredibly funny things

in my brain, I suppose,

cause people think Im on

drugs, and Im not, Im really

quite, you knowjust a bit

of coffee, and Im really

When I take drugs, I start going,

Oh, insurance! Ever thought of?

And pensions! Very sensible!

So dont take drugs, otherwise youll

go like that! Just go Yeah!

But thimbles is what I really

wanted to talk about, because

you dont really - well, they dont get

enough press these days, do they?

I dont think they ever did,

because very rarely you see,

Oh! Says Man

You know what I mean

Cause my Gran said,

Put a thimble on your finger, and it

helps you, in case

you slip with a needle,

the needle goes up, and

into brain, and death

and before thimbles

were invented, it was

Needle Death Tragic Whole Family!

Family of Sewers Tragic!

If Only Thimbles Were Invented,

says psychic man with big hat

and beard to match

Thimbles Compulsory for

Children in Many Buses

So yes The best thing

with thimbles is to put one...

on each finger, and then you

can do impressions of horses.

Horses with one too

many legs, I suppose

Cause they do have a metallic

sound, dont they, horseshoes?

Well, horses have got hooves, theyve

got this bit of semicircular metal...

nailed to each and every foot!

And thats just a con! For

centuries, blacksmiths saying,

Is that your horse?

Better nail a bit of

semicircular metal to each of his feet!

Oh, no, thanks, its got

hooves! Thanks very much.

No, better nail a bit

of semicircular metal on.

Have you ever had a blowout

on a horse doing 70? Yeah

Steel radials, thats

what you want, mate!

Are those anti-lock

hooves? Ooh, Im not sure

It is. Perhaps its a big con, theyve

done it very successfully for centuries,

but they were just

trying with all hoofed

animals. You got any more in your farm?

Cows! Bring them in,

theyve got hooves! And pigs

and sheep, hooves the lot

of them! Ill put shoes

And your ducks and geese,

get the whole bloody farm in!

And your next door neighbour.

The whole farm for 50 quid

Ducks going around, going

clang, clang, clang


Swimming out in the water

They dont do the

breast-stroke, do they, ducks?

They just...

Any duck doing

that is really kind of crap.

And its also lucky,

horseshoes are lucky!

And horses have four bits of

lucky nailed to their feet.

They should be the luckiest

animals in the world!

They should win all their

horse races, shouldnt they?

Its after 3:
30, and today,

every single horse was first equal

One horse dropped a

shoe, came in fourth

And the duck was ninth.

Five ran

Its what they always say

at the end, dont they?

A bit of useless five run.

Are there people at home, going,

But how many run?

Or is it the idea,

Five run, one sauntered,

really one drove a small car

one windsurfed, one hang-glid.

Yeah, you decline the

verb to hang-glide, then

I hang-glide, you hang-glide,

he, she hang-glides,

we hang-glid,

you hang-glided,

they hang-glidededed.

Anyway, thats all rubbish!

Sometimes, though, you want to buy a

thimble, or a horseshoe,

or a bit of fluff,

or an elephant, and you go

Rate this script:(5.00 / 1 vote)

Eddie Izzard

Edward John Izzard (; born 7 February 1962) is an English stand-up comedian, actor, writer and political activist. His comedic style takes the form of rambling, whimsical monologue, and self-referential pantomime. He had a starring role in the television series The Riches as Wayne Malloy and has appeared in films such as Ocean's Twelve, Ocean's Thirteen, Mystery Men, Shadow of the Vampire, The Cat's Meow, Across the Universe, Valkyrie and Victoria & Abdul. He has also worked as a voice actor in The Wild, Igor, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, Cars 2 and The Lego Batman Movie. Izzard has cited his main comedy role model as Monty Python, and John Cleese once referred to him as the "Lost Python". In 2009, he completed 43 marathons in 51 days for Sport Relief despite having no prior history of long-distance running. He has won numerous awards including a Primetime Emmy Award for Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program for his comedy special Dress to Kill, in 2000. Izzard's website won the Yahoo People's Choice Award and earned the Webby Award. Izzard is openly "a straight transvestite" having cross dressed both on and offstage.Izzard has campaigned for various causes and has been a Labour party activist for most of his life. He twice attempted to be elected for a seat on Labour's National Executive Committee, and when Christine Shawcroft resigned in March 2018, he automatically took her place. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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