Eating Out: All You Can Eat Page #5

- Likely story.

So, ask away.

Thanks for starting off easy.

I didn't want to put up

with his sh*t anymore.

You know how you tell yourself

that it's gonna get better?

You know it's not,

but you hang on

to any little good thing

he does

to prove that it might

get better.

Well, I guess

there weren't any.

Then it was just

the really hot sex.

Yeah.

How do you know

what the little good things are?

Okay, try me.

- You're an artist.

I'd take you to a museum.

You look like

a basketball fan.

Lakers tickets.

Massage, good bottle of wine.

And little things

like bringing you

something to drink

without you having to ask.

- Well done, Ms. Cleo.

- What can I do

to get you to come over here

right now.

- Oh, strip.

- Date?

You already know me

inside and out,

I think I'm in love.

Wait, I know.

If you don't come over...

- He is not!

- Here's

what you'll be missing.

- Get out of my way!

Holy clit!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh sh*t.

- I cannot believe...

- You spilled

your Sunny Delight.

How could you?

- You owe me a computer!

And a boyfriend.

- He's a fake.

No one can be that hot

and that nice,

it's against the nature.

- But he has tons

of profile pictures,

he must be real.

- You still believe

The Hills is real.

- If he was a fake,

he would've watched me jack off.

- I just threw up

a little bit in my p*ssy.

- Maybe it's not

a good idea for us to hang out?

I don't believe you.

- Zack's single now,

so the reason we invented Ryan

doesn't matter anymore.

I mean, why keep up

the charade?

- Why email him at all?

Just disappear.

You're still

pretending to be Ryan,

even if it is just

to dump him.

- I'm just being polite.

- You're just keeping him

and his pretty dick hanging on,

so you still have access

to him

in case he doesn't go

for exhibit A.

- You're right.

If he normally gets prime rib

like Ryan,

why would he settle for...

- Turkey burger?

- I blew it, Mr. Fake

doesn't wanna meet me.

- Because he's not real.

- I came on too strong.

- Gay men hate guys

who do that.

- He was trying

to get to know me

but I went from zero

to sixty-nine.

- There are millions of men

who can f*** first

and then fall in love.

- But I don't want other men,

I want him.

- My mom warned me

I was turning into a fag hag.

- You're not a fag hag.

- I'm gonna be a fat spinster

whose only sexual outlet

is sucking off drunken homos.

- You'd suck me off

if I were drunk, right?

- My fag hag days

are over.

- Now separate

the finger nails

from the toe nails.

- Ew, what?

- Busy work.

You still have

fifteen minutes left.

- I must get ready

for my date.

- It's not a date,

queef-cake.

- It's a date,

he just doesn't know it yet.

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