Die Wand Page #3

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I remembered a path that led to

an elevated hunting lodge,

and from there I could look down

into the opposing valley.

That's where I wanted to go.

Luchs! Heel!

- Wait, Luchs!

Now I had all the valleys researched,

which I could reach

in just a couple of days.

I could ascend to the pasture

and survey the land from there,

but further into the mountain range

I couldn't go.

Of course they could find me

if the wall was not there.

Yes, I had to assume they could

have found me in the end.

I could quietly sit at home and wait.

But again and again I felt driven

to do something about the uncertainty.

At noon I rested.

The misty forest reclined in the

midday sun

and warm clouds rose to meet me.

It was much quieter than it had been

under moonlight.

The forest was sleeping soundly

under a yellow sun.

A bird of prey was flying high above

in circles.

Luchs was sleeping with twitching ears

and the silence rang above me

like the sound of a great bell.

I wished to sit there forever

in the heat, the light,

with the dog on my feet

and the birds circling high above.

When I had to leave,

I did so with deep regret,

and very slowly I turned back into

the creature

that did not belong, into a mere human

with crooked thoughts and clumsy shoes

that buckled the branches,

returning to the bloody business

of a hunt.

It occurs to me I've never

recorded in my diary

the time I first shot a deer.

Now I remember also that it

disgusted me to write it down.

It was enough having to do it.

I called the little cat Pearl

because it was so white and bright.

In a few weeks I realized that

pearl, the ugly little thing,

was about to transform into a beauty.

Pearl was a small miracle

but even then I knew

she was born in the wrong place.

A long-haired, white cat in the forest

is doomed to an early death.

She had no chance.

Maybe that was the reason I liked her so much.

When I think back to that first summer,

I realize I had more concerns for my animals

than my own desperate situation.

With the disaster I lost great responsibility

but gained a new burden,

without knowing it at the time.

When I finally released my situation

I was beyond change.

I don't think my behavior came from

weakness or sentimentality.

I just followed an inner drive,

and I couldn't fight it without

destroying myself.

I don't know what is

dishonorable about

carrying the burdens imposed on us,

like every animal must,

and finally to die like one

in the end.

I don't even know what honor is.

To be born and to die

is not honorable.

It happens to every creature

and means nothing.

(Insects buzzing)

On 20 July

I started with the hay.

I took three weeks

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