Crazy, Stupid, Love Page #4

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you're sucking on a tiny schwantz.

Is that what you want?

Is that the message you wanna send?

- No one's thinking that.

- Really?

- So permission to speak candidly, sir.

- Uh, think you've already gone there.

You're sitting there

with a Supercuts haircut...

...getting drunk on watered-down vodka

cranberries like a 14-year-old girl...

...and you're wearing a 44

when you should be wearing a 42 regular.

Honestly, I don't know if I should

help you or euthanize you.

Cal, you got a kind face.

You got a good head of hair.

You seem like a nice guy.

I wanna help you. I'm gonna help you

rediscover your manhood.

Do you have any idea,

like, where you lost it?

- A strong case could be made for 1984.

- Well.

We're gonna find it.

We are. I promise you.

And I promise you this too, Cal:

When we're done...

...this wife of yours...

...she's gonna rue the day

she ever decided to give up on you.

That's my offer.

You in or you out?

Why are you doing this?

Maybe you remind me of someone.

You in or you out?

I'm in.

Hey, fancy face, you wanna go?

Okay.

Century City Mall, food court,

After you, hon.

Good night, fancy face.

She will rue the day.

Set you guys up with some snacks

over here. TV's already on.

You okay?

Mm. Yeah. You?

Mm.

Can I tell you something?

Love sucks.

Yeah.

You in love, buddy?

- Well, if you must know...

- Ding-dong.

- Oh, hey, Jess. Thanks for coming by.

- Hey. Yeah.

What is she doing here?

Guys, I have to step out for a couple

of minutes. Okay? All right? Okay.

Mom wants you to stay

while she's out hooking.

- What?

- What?

Oh. Um, the place is nice, Mr. Weaver.

Thanks.

That's a very generous adjective.

- Honey.

- I don't need a babysitter.

She's only four years older.

You need to know that.

- She needs to know that.

- I know, I know, I know.

Man, are you growing up.

Look at him. It's unbelievable.

He's in love already.

Oh.

Molly. Say bye to Daddy.

- Wait, where are you going?

- I'm taking a class.

- That is great, Mr. Weaver.

- Thank you.

This is a difficult time for you, right?

And it's important to try new things.

Even things that you haven't

considered trying before.

Mm-hm. Yup. Molly, I'm going.

Okay. That's my princess. Bye. Thanks.

- But wait. Dad.

- Bye, guys. See you in a bit.

Hey, Tiger.

- I love you so, so much.

- Jeez, Robbie.

I love you so much. Please?

What the hell am I doing?

What am I doing?

Hey, uh, everybody.

Everybody. Uh, if I could...

Thank you. A little toast.

I would like to thank you all for coming

to Hannah Banana's goodbye party.

And to my...

- ... Hannah Banana.

- Ha, ha.

You go into your cave

and you study your butt off.

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