Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? Page #4

I said...'cause my son

goes to the same school

As charlie sheen's kids.

So i thought it might

be that, you know.

Whoa! Hey, whoa!

Whoa!

Hey, what...

you "ooh" me for charlie sheen,

And you're okay

with the pope thing?

What the hell

happened to you?

"Aw, craig, come on.

"Charlie sheen!

"What did he ever do,

"Apart from hold a knife

to his wife's throat

On christmas eve?"

"Put the hooker

in the closet!"

Aw, poor charlie.

You're right.

I shouldn't go

after charlie.

He had to go to jail

on christmas eve.

Yeah, in f***in' aspen!

The jail in aspen

has been on the cover

Of architectural digest!

So i said to my son,

"who taught you about sex, son?"

He said, "the teachers."

I said, "the teachers

at school?"

He went, "yeah."

I went, "fourth grade?"

He's like, "yeah."

I'm like,

"what the f***?"

"See, that's a nickel."

I went, "f*** you!"

But i...i don't...

there was no se...

I never got taught about sex

when i was in the fourth grade.

I never actually had

the fourth grade.

I was in scotland.

I was working up a chimney.

Because there was

no sex education in scotland.

And...well,

that's not true, actually.

When i was about 15 years old,

in science class one day,

I remember the...

I was sitting around with

the rest of the guys in stag...

Um...

And we were waiting for

the science teacher

To come in one morning.

His name was mr. Weir.

Nasty, bitter old

vicious alcoholic.

Don't know what the f***

was going on

With the scottish education

board in the 1970s.

It was like,

"do you like whiskey?

Do you hate kids?

The job's yours."

Anyway, we...

We were sitting

in science class,

And we were waiting for

mr. Weir to come in,

And, you know,

and then he came in,

And we knew there was something

wrong when he came in,

'Cause he was like...

And he was...

this is true.

He was carrying

a little aquarium with him.

A little fish tank.

But there were

no fish in it.

It was just...no water.

It was just a rock

With two toads on it.

And he said,

"Pay attention, everyone."

"This is mr. And mrs. Toad.

"They're married.

"They were married

in a church.

"By a protestant minister.

"And now, they...

eeh eeh.

"Now they want

to have a baby.

See how mr. Toad

is pushing his shame branch..."

"See how he's pushing

his shame branch

"Against mrs. Toad's

magic baby door?

Do you see that?"

That was my sex education

in school, and that was it.

Watchin' two toads

f***in' in a fish tank!

That's it!

The miracle of new life.

"Ehh."

That was all i ever knew!

For years,

i thought the only way

To get a girl

to go out with you

Was run up behind her,

grab her hair,

Spit in it,

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