Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said?

Synopsis: If you only know Craig Ferguson as host of The Late Late Show or as Drew Carey's sitcom boss, you're missing out. The gloriously ribald Scot takes to the stage in this all-new extended and uncensored stand-up special for a night of jokes and storytelling peppered with the kinds of words he's not allowed to say on network TV.
66 min

It's a great day for america,


I'm always

delighted to be in nashville.

I'm always happy

to be in the south.

I feel this great affinity

with people in the south,

Because i share your pain.

I know what it's like

To have everyone in the world

Think they can do your accent

better than you can do.


And then they want to do

your accent to you

To help you!

"You from the south?

Hickity dickity dickity."

Listen, i'm gonna try

something tonight.

Because we're doing the special

and the cameras are here,

And because i'm in the south

And i feel a little more

comfortable here,

I wanna try something

i don't normally do.

Um, i'm gonna try

and tell you a joke.

I know what you're thinkin'.

"Oh, craig, come on.

"Not a joke!

"Not from you, craig!

"There's professional


"For that kind of thing.

"Not a joke from you, craig.

"From you, we want tales

of the old country, craig.

"Tell us about the time you

lived in the swamp with shrek.

"Tell us about that!

What was that like, craig?"

Oh, we found

a blue-Haired donkey, all right!

That's right!

No, i wanna tell you

this joke.

It's important for me,

Because it's a dirty joke.


No, it's a dirty joke,

And i can't tell it

on my tv show,

'Cause it's such

a dirty joke.

And there's cuss words

in it too.

Oh, yeah.

I...listen, i will

be cussing tonight.

And just so's you know...

no, i will.

I will.

Don't f***in' "ohh" me."

I'll be cussin'.

Now, don't wave your finger

at me.

You knew when you got here

there'd be cussin'.

If you thought you were

comin' here tonight,

And every time i cussed,

a little flag was goin' up here,

And someone's going,

"tootsy fruitsy," or somethin'.

"Ooh la la."

I swear it's gonna be a long

f***in' night for you

If you thought

i was gonna do that.

I can't cuss on tv,

and it bothers me.

No, it does.


It does.

It does bother me.

'Cause when i was

a young man,

I was in punk rock groups

and everything.

And i was like,

"f*** you, man!

"F*** you! You'll never

get me wearing a suit

And sittin' behind a desk!"

And now, every night...

Wearin' a suit,

sittin' behind a desk.

Can't even say "f***."

"Ah, your movie sounds great,

ya f***in' a**hole."

No, i don't wanna give you

the wrong impression, all right?

I wasn't just in punk rock

bands, by the way.

I was also

in a heavy metal band once. heavy metal band.

- Whoo!

- Oh, yeah.

Ah, you know,

if you'd have heard us,

You wouldn't be

making that noise.

You'd be like, "aah!"

And running out.

We were ter...we were the worst

heavy meal band.

We were terrible.

I was 15 years old

When i was in this band.

We were called stag.

We used to wear spandex pants

and no underwear.

Yeah, we looked like

marble smugglers.


We were terrible!

15-Year-Old heavy metal band.

And you know your heavy metal

band's gonna suck

When you've got

a clarinet player.

get your motor runnin'

But we had to have

the clarinet player,

'Cause his dad had a car,

And he was willing

to drive us around,

So we had to have

the f***in' clarinet player.

But the clarinet player

was an artist,

And he said,

"i'll do the bass drum skin.

It'll be f***in' awesome."

We were like, "really?"

He went, "yeah.

"It'll be a picture

of a stag.

"But get this, a stag

with its antlers

On fire."

We were like,

"F***, yeah!"

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

But no, see,

It didn't work out

like that,

'Cause he wasn't

that talented, this kid.

So it didn't look like a stag

with his antlers on fire.

It looked a badger

with red hair.

I was the clarinet player.

Yeah, that's right.

But no more!

Now i sit on tv

and i can't say "f***."

It bothers me, you know?

It bothers me

that i can't cuss on tv.

'Cause i'm a very cussy man.

I am a very cussy man.

Not an angry cusser.

I'm not one of them "f*** you"

cussers, like that.

Like a, "f*** you!

F***! F***!" Like that.

Like, "f***!"

I don't have to do that.

I just like doing that.

But i'm not one of them, "f***!

F***! F***! F***!" Guys,

Like that,

like a dog.

That's what dogs are saying,


They are saying it.

Not in, uh,

Adorable dog language.

They're saying it in english.

"F***! F***!

"F***! F***! F***! F***!

"F***! F***! F***!



F***. F***!

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***,

f***, f***!

F***, f***, f***, f***,

f***, f***, f***!

Dogs are saying "f***."

Cats don't say "f***,"

but they're thinking it.

They're thinkin', "f*** you."

No, i like to cuss.

I'm not an angry cusser.

I'm not a "f*** you" guy.

I'm not...i'm more

kind of like,

"Shut the f*** up."

Like that.

Like friendly cussin', like,

"No f***in' way!"

Sh*t, f***, no!"

Like, that helps me be

more adorable to people.

I know, i've heard all

the arguments against cussing.

You know,

"oh, craig, come on.

Cussing just shows a lack

of vocabulary."

And i think,

"oh, shut the f*** up!"

No, it does not.

Some of the greatest

minds in history love to cuss.

Shakespeare cussed

all the time.

But he did it in that fancy

ren fair language,

So nobody knew

he was cussing.

And like,

"to be or not to be?

F*** if i know."

I'm paraphrasing,

but that's what he meant.


What i'm saying is,

i like to cuss.

It helps me be

friendly to people.

It emphasizes

my friendliness.

Like if you see...if you see

a friend of yours, right,

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Craig Ferguson

Craig Ferguson (born 17 May 1962) is a Scottish-American television host, comedian, author and actor. He was the host of both the syndicated game show Celebrity Name Game (2014–2017), for which he has won two Daytime Emmy Awards, and of Join or Die with Craig Ferguson (2016) on History. He was also the host of the CBS late-night talk show The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (2005–2014). In 2017 he released a web show with his wife Megan, titled Couple Thinkers. It ran for six episodes from October 9, 2017. It is available on YouTube. After starting his career in Britain with music, comedy and theatre, Ferguson moved to the United States where he appeared in the role of Nigel Wick on the ABC sitcom The Drew Carey Show (1996–2004). He has written and starred in three films, directing one of them, and has appeared in several others, including several voice-over roles for animations. Ferguson has also written two books: Between the Bridge and the River, a novel, and American on Purpose, a memoir. He was naturalised as a United States citizen in 2008. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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