Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk

Synopsis: A teenage boy comes of age during the Reagan years, discovering that he really enjoys many pleasurable things that his family- and his religion- frown upon...
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance
Director(s): Eric Stoltz
Production: Indie Rights
95 min


What do you see here?

Oh the earth

is a gift to us.

A gift for us to cultivate.

And to reflect on,

you gave it to us.

Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.

(wind chimes ringing)

(soft music) (wind chimes ringing)

(dramatic music)

[Gabe] This all happened

because of a Sear's catalog.

Dad likes it when I do this.

Touch them.

That's better.

Do you have a boner now?

Can you just put it, put

your clothes back on please?

(heavy sighing)

You Jehovah's are no fun.

Do you want to play Stop Time?

I'm smoking.

And since Christ is our

mediator, we conclude prayers

by saying in Jesus name, amen.

[Elder] Thank you Brother Dagsland.

Good job son.

[Elder] Would anyone else like

to comment on that paragraph?

I have to go to the bathroom please.

Come straight back, just there and back.

All right then let's move on

to Matthew chapter five verse 27.

You have heard that it

was said that you shall not

commit adultery, but

I say to you that every

one that looks at a woman with lust for her

has committed adultery

with her in his heart.

If your right eye makes you stumble,

tear it out and throw it away from you.

For it is better to lose one of the parts

of your body than for your whole body

to be thrown into Gehenna.

And witnesses for Jehovah.

(water running)

I'm at Jehovah's place of worship,

I'm on holy ground and

I'm thinking of breasts.

(loud banging)

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

It's because of last night.

She made me drink, she got me drunk,

then she demanded that I touch them.

It's not a sin is it?

It was breast rape, it's her fault.

She breast raped me.

I'm fine with God and I'm gonna

make it through Armageddon.

(heavy breathing)

[Preacher] We have to keep our minds clean.

Because if we dwell on

the filth of this earth,

we're putting ourselves in (baby crying)

a very, very, can you

please take her outside?

(baby crying)

Thank you.

(bells ringing)

And that explains string theory.

Any questions?

No, then it's time for a pop quiz.

(students ahing)

Ah yeah, close your books.

No notes, no talking to your

neighbors, you know the drill.

This is not a team sport.

You guys can do it,

come on, I know, I know.

- We just went over everything.

- Hey.

- So if you don't

- Hey.

[Teacher] Know what it is.

Could I borrow a pencil?

- Yeah.

- You must've been sleeping.


[Cheerleader] Thanks.

[Teacher] And voila.

All right, you guys got five minutes.

(students talking)

[Student] Adios guys.

[Student] Adios.

[Peter] Hey.

[Gabe] Hey, what'd they say?

[Student] They're cool.

They said I should get some Brixton

wheels because they're faster.

Cool, my dad says he'll get me a board

after I memorize the books of the Bible.

[Peter] What is this?

[Gabe] Is that from Jennifer?

What's it say?

Peter, tell your stupid

friend Gabe to stop obsessing

over Jasmine when Camille

clearly likes him, love Jennifer.

Okay stop lying, what's it really say?

Seriously, you should ask her out.

She might even let you kiss her.

Besides, people are gonna think you're gay

if you don't have a girlfriend.

[Gabe] What about Kien?

[Peter] Well he's Asian, and Vietnamese

people don't have gays.

[Kien] There are gay Vietnamese you know.

[Peter] First of all I don't know

what (voice trailing off).

[Announcer] In the 1950s,

Khrushchev predicted,

we will bury you.

[Gabe] Joshua, Judges, Ruth.

[Announcer] A free world

that is achieved a level

of prosperity and well being

unprecedented in all of human history.

In the communist world, we see failure,

technological backwardness...

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