Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber Page #5

I told you,|there's no time for that!

Go fetch me a nonfat latte|and a nicotine patch, pronto!

I have a very important|meeting in half an hour.

With a client?

He has clients...

After spending twelve dollars on|cab ride to house boat at Fisherman's...

and a buck ninety-nine|on Charles Shaw wine...

Was forced to descend on Ferguson|who's trying to kill himself again...

over another client|turned lover.

Fergie...

He's not here...

Ferguson!

Go away.

I'm coming in.

No, not again...

Spare me the Sylvia Plath.

The oven's electric.

Lemme guess. Hans?

Listen to me, he's a no-good|German cheapskate!

You need a boyfriend|who's going to love you...

no matter how much you cost!

Now am I right or am I right?

Smile.

Do it.

Do it.

Since ninth grade, when|I took you under my wing...

have I ever steered|you wrong?

-Well...|-Other than the home perm thing?

Good. Then let's not|cry over spilled German.

-Come on.|-What?

Now on to more|pressing issues...

I need you to call Dove Greenstein|and pretend to be my assistant.

Don't you have an assistant?

But not with your wit, or your|charm, or unique flair.

I get it, I get it.

You need your gay assistant|to call, I understand.

Dial the number.|Watch the magic, baby.

This is why we're friends.

Okay, it's ringing.

Greenstein residence.

Hi. This is Ferguson from|Katya Livingston's office.

-With whom am I speaking?|-This is Laurie.

-Hi Laurie, how are you?|-Fine, and you?

I'm doing fine|thank you very much.

Laurie look, we were just|going over Katya's schedule...

we were wondering, she didn't|get an invite to the Royal Ball...

-We're hoping it was some sort of...|-Probably was some sort of oversight.

Probably some sort of oversight.|That's what we were thinking.

-Will you please hold?|-I will absolutely hold.

You want to thank me now?

Hi, Fergie is it?|This is Dove Greenstein.

Miss Greenstein,|how are you?

Just so you hear it from the horse's|mouth. There's been no oversight.

There's been no oversight?

Dove, darling?|Hi, it's Katya.

I just caught the tail end of your|conversation with my assistant.

What seems to be the trouble?

Katya, darling.|There's no trouble.

I was just explaining how we didn't|include you on our guest list.

You know how|these things are, dear.

We had to|cut it off somewhere...

so we cut it off at those|who'd slept with our husbands.

But you made so much money|off the infidelity clause!

I know, but when you leaked|my real age to the Gazette...

-Dove, no one's 29.|-I am!

Anyways, now that the Sultan of|Brunei is bringing his harem...

well, we're absolutely|at capacity.

But take care dear.|Good to chat.

Are you okay?

No! The Sultan of Brunai|is bringing his hoes...

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