Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary Page #3

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I'm talking about, of course,

"The job"

And i gotta thank you

For that gig, chief.

I really do.

It was the best

Two weeks of my life.

Really,

Seriously.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I learned so much about my craft

By being on that show,

And watching one

Of the true masters.

I love you too, pal.

Lenny clarke.

How are you, musty ?

All right,

Sit down.

You're rocking the stage.

You were an altar boy,

Right ?

No wonder you're so angry.

Show me on kiefer sutherland

Where the priest touched you.

You know why i like

Working with this man ?

He's a true leader.

I admire

Your self-confidence.

Some perceive it

As severe narcissism,

But not me.

I'm sure a lot of guys jerk off

In front of a mirror...

Backlit...

While an orchestra plays

The "a**hole" song.

I've been to denis' farm

Up in connecticut,

Or, as it's commonly known,

The never-glad ranch.

If you ever get a chance

To go to leary world,

Get the three-day pass.

It includes the whiskey

And water slide,

20,000 leagues

Under the influence,

Mr. Leary's angry ride,

And my personal favorite,

"It's a small penis after all."

You really are irish.

But the most impressive thing

About the place is,

he paid for it all

With marlboro miles.

While i was there,

I met his entire family

And there's thousands of them.

Packs of nieces

And nephews.

Seven-year-old learys, just

Looking up at you, smoking.

"You like

Spongebob squarepants ?

"Yeah ?

I think he's a p*ssy."

Well, chief, i want you

To know something.

the work you do with

The cam neely foundation.

every year,

The cam neely foundation,

"Comics come home".

And your tireless efforts with

The leary firefighters fund,

You, yes.

You're a noble,

Generous man of character...

to them.

To me,

You're a miserable prick.

I love you, now go

F*** yourself.

Here's the thing.

I directed you in the film

"Lakeboat",

Let me tell you.

I've seen better acting

In a cambodian whorehouse.

Now, listen to what

I'm telling you,

You bloated, alcoholic

Leprechaun,

You get paid

To tell jokes onstage,

But you know what

The biggest joke is ?

Your career.

You go from starring

In features,

To starring in

Your own failed sit-com

To being roasted

On basic cable ?

That's hilarious.

no, it's f***ing

Hilarious.

And you have the balls to call

Yourself a comedian ?

Your material's more dated

Than shannen doherty's twat

So why don't you go out

And make another movie

That nobody'll see,

And then down another

Bottle of cheap whiskey ?

That's what i'm saying !

( Upbeat music playing )

please welcome the star

Of comedy central's

"Tough crowd with colin quinn"

And let me just say,

He could be funny tonight.

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