Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary

Synopsis: Several roasters make fun of Denis Leary.
Genre: Comedy
 
IMDB:
6.7
TV-MA
Year:
2003
99 min
22 Views

( announcer )

It's the comedy central roast of denis leary

Hosted by jeff garlin.

With...

And music by...

Please welcome a man who spent

The last five hours

Getting into

A prosthetic fat suit.

Your host for this evening,

Jeff garlin.

( Cheers and applause )

Hello, and good evening,

Everybody.

welcome to the comedy central

Roast of denis leary.

( Applause )

Uh, a few announcements.

First off,

Nipsey russell has cancelled.

My apologies.

Unfortunately,

Colin quinn didn't.

You know what ?

With none of that in mind,

Please take a look at this.

( Announcer )

Please welcome denis leary.

I'm not happy,

I'm not happy.

Nobody's happy, okay ?

Happiness comes in

Small doses, folks.

It's a cigarette or

A chocolate chip cookie

Or a five-second orgasm.

That's it, okay ?

You come, you eat the cookie,

You smoke the butt,

You go to sleep,

You get up in the morning

And go to f*cking work,

Okay ?

One word:
drugs.

( Denis )

Cocaine, there's a good idea.

I wanna do a drug that

Makes my penis small,

Makes my heart explode,

Makes my nose bleed,

And sucks all my money

Out of the bank.

Can i do that ?

I wanna make

This face all night.

I don't do illegal drugs

Anymore.

Now, i just do

The legal drugs.

tonight, i'm on nyquil

And sudafed.

Forget about

Cocaine and heroin.

all you need is nyquil

And sudafed,

I'm telling you right now--

You must

Have some cold.

Uh, actually,

It's for my kids.

What kind of massage

Do you want today, dave ?

Uh, i was hoping for

Something special.

Upper body ?

Yeah, upper body.

And you know, if you feel like

Throwing in some lower body.

I love tits.

I'd like to be the mayor of

Tit town, if i could, okay ?

I'd like to drive

A big truck full of tits

Down the tit turnpike,

Right into the middle

Of tit town !

Oh, come on, i'm not

A bad-looking guy.

( Scoffs )

What, what ?

You wouldn't do me

If you were gay ?

Deep down inside...

Everybody's gay.

This is how it starts,

Probably.

It starts with us

Talking about your gigantic ass

Here in the car and then

In about a month

We're sitting

On a couch somewhere

Holding hands and watching

"The wizard of oz"

On d-v-d wide screen !

I represent angry, gun-toting

Meat-eating people, pal !

( Screaming )

I just beat up

Santa claus.

You blind ?

It's me.

Thank you !

thank you, thank you,

Thank you, and f*ck you !

Life sucks.

Get a f*ckin' helmet,

All right ?

( Cheers and applause )

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,

We're not gonna be mean.

Mean is easy.

Mean is cheap.

Anybody can be mean.

You know

Who's mean ?

Denis leary is mean.

That's easy,

We're not going there.

Uh, we're going out to

Over 46 countries,

But oddly enough,

Not in america.

They don't get

Denis leary here.

But in sweden, for example,

See, i toured with him there.

He's huge !

He's the king of comedy.

You know what they call

Denis in sweden ?

( Scandinavian accent )

Denis leary.

Denis, you do it all.

Denis not only served

As the producer of "the job",

But he also produced

The movie "blow".

The job, blow.

All i can tell you

On basic cable

With kids watching

Is that denis loves

To get his cock sucked.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Nick dipaolo.

Why are we roasting you ?

You're irish.

Shouldn't we

Be boiling you ?

Put a couple of potatoes

And a carrot behind you.

I'm like, "what are

We supposed to wear ?"

They said, "think irish wake."

I'm like,

"Irish wake ?"

Well, that's right.

We're celebrating

Denis' career.

That's about right.

Colin quinn's here tonight.

Colin--

Yeah !

a few years ago,

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