Colin Quinn: The New York Story Page #3

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But lose the shoes.

Theyre the British Empire.

Get rid of the windmills, please.

What are you calling it, by the way?

New Amsterdam.

Cause the Dutch named it after their most

prized possession. Amsterdam is beautiful.

The British rename it

after the sixth shittiest city

in Northern England.

York was always a shithole.

Like, we should have been named

New London, right?

But there already was

a New London, Connecticut.

But if youve been to New London,

Connecticut, you realize

they should be called New York,

and we should be called New London.

So the British ran it, like I said,

all those Protestant churches

in Lower Manhattan were Brit--

And they just ruled, you know,

British style.

And they ran until-- Revolutionary War,

this was still British headquarters.

Manhattan was British headquarters

throughout the Revolutionary War.

So all the-- Nathan Hale hung to death

on 66th Street and 3rd Avenue,

where theres now a Starbucks,

of course, on the corner.

That doesnt say at all--

That ruins the glamour of their death,

you know, the martyr.

I regret I have but one life to lose

for your reduced-fat raspberry scone

and your caramel macchiato.

You know.

So the British ran it.

Finally, theyre out.

Then it became the transshipment point.

All kinds of stuff,

but smaller groups of people.

There was no main group until the Germans.

Germans came in in the early 1800s,

and they brought that German personality,

which is still a part of us.

First of all, they brought

the delicatessen, which is a German word.

And its the German personality

thats still here today,

where the customers not always right.

They yell at you. They hurry you.

They bully you. Efficiency over humanity.

Come on. What do you want?

While were young. Lets go.

What do you want? You dont know?

Get over there. Were still--

Were still the only city

that has two lines.

Ones for people that know what they want.

Ones for people who dont.

And if you get on--

If you get on the line that doesnt

know what they want, you never get back.

Its impossible.

Yeah, and that German personality

is still there. The abrupt, rude-polite.

Where people,

like, people from out of town--

They ask directions. Theyre smiling.

Youre giving them information.

Excuse me. Wheres the museum?

Excuse me. Wheres the subway?

People from New York accuse you

of information.

Like you owe them the information.

They dont say, Excuse me, just block

you. Whered you get the ice cream?

Youre like, Holy sh*t.

Then if you tell em, they want a review.

Over there. Is it good?

If you say its good, you have to leave,

or they might come back.

Wheres that guy

that said this was good?

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