Christina P. Mother Inferior Page #3

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where stuff was.

Wheres the spatula?

Im like, Motherf***er.

Everything we own

is out. Like, what...

How lazy are you?

But I dont nag.

Dont nag. It falls on deaf ears.

Do what I do:

Use positive reenforcement.

Positive. Like Cesar Millan.

[Spanish accent]

I use calm assertive energies.

I am the pack leader.

So when I see the behavior

Id like to see more of,

I encourage it.

Ill see him doing something,

Ill get up behind him,

Ill be like, Oh, oh, yeah.

Mmm, you loading up that dishwasher?

Oh, you know clean dishes

make me wanna suck stuff.

But dont say that

unless you mean it cause

theyll come looking for payment quick.

And then you gotta be like, No!

Or whatever that stupid

Well, no, cause theres a small window

where a woman will do that, you know.

And I mean like

in the beginning of the relationship,

thats the best for a guy.

Thats blow job season.

In the beginning,

were so thrilled to be there,

well blow you for anything.

You got me tickets to the comedy show?

[grunting]

Six-piece McNuggets.

[grunting]

You open the car door for me?

[grunting]

And then you get married, and its like

Honeymoon blow job?

No, we stopped serving that yesterday.

Yeah, that aint on the menu anymore,

my man.

You better get that

while the gettings good.

But you gotta do that stuff, you know,

you gotta, Oh, I love it.

Well, you have to, man.

I dont wanna be single.

Are you kidding me?

No way, not in this era. Uh-uh.

No way. Cause women, you know,

we cant just get all old and fat

like in the good ol days, you know?

Like, now, now we gotta maintain

our fuckability at every era of our lives.

Its exhausting.

You know,

Kathy Bates is an amazing actress

because she kinda has to be.

You know, I mean, like, you turn 30,

you pump out a kid,

and now they call you MILF.

Blah-blah-blah!

Forty, and now Im a cougar. [snarls]

Then youre a grandma, and youre like,

Ah, sweet. Im out of the system.

No, you aint.

Now, now, they call you a GILF.

A grandma Id like to f***.

No, not Nana.

Not sweet, butterscotch candy-givin Nana!

No!

And heres the thing thats wack.

Theres nothin for dudes, right?

They dont call you guys animal names

or acronyms.

They dont call you guys DILFS.

Well, its true, you know, cause theres

no such thing as a dad you wanna f***.

Well, no, I know this because

Ive been in the airports in the Midwest,

and I have seen the dads.

Oh, Ive seen you dads.

Really, Dad?

You think some woman is gonna be like,

Oh, yeah.

Dad. Oh.

I love those faded blue jeans you got on.

Mm-mmm! Oh, is that a brown braided belt?

How do you keep those white

New Balance sneakers so white, Dad?

Oh, oh, is that a phone holster?

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