Christina P. Mother Inferior

Synopsis: Christina Pazsitzky hits Seattle with a biting dose of reality, telling truths about her childhood, getting older and the horrors of giving birth.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jay Karas
 
IMDB:
6.3
Year:
2017
16 Views


1

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Christina P.!

[cheering, applause]

Oh, stop it! Stop it.

Sit down, sit down. All right.

Stop it. You guys know

I cant handle that much approval.

[laughter]

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you so much for coming, Seattle.

This is so exciting!

[cheering, applause]

Oh... a lot has happened

since I was here last time.

Thats right.

I made a person come out of me!

Yeah. I dont know

if you guys have, uh, children,

but having a newborn, its, uh,

well, its a real miracle, you know?

Id say the real miracle

is that I stayed sober for nine months.

Am I right, ladies? Ha ha ha ha!

Heres the thing though, having a baby,

like, it broke me down emotionally,

spiritually, physically.

Physically, my body is dog shit.

I got tits like Rick Ross.

I dont know.

This is a pretty white audience.

Jonah Hill. Yeah, Jonah Hill.

And its so funny because the--

the big thing is breast-feeding in public,

right?

Thats a big scandal.

I dont wanna see boobs while

Im eating nachos at the restaurant.

Oh, well, dont worry about that, sir,

because once you have babies,

you dont have boobies no more.

Thats right. Cause now I got mom tits.

Thats right.

Soggy, hanging,

mushy, purple nipples!

Brown, covered in skin tags,

Morgan Freeman-looking mom tits!

Boobies are for young, beautiful girls--

like you.

You are-- How old are you, Sugar Cans?

Twenty-five. Ha ha ha ha!

Twenty-five.

Whats gonna happen tomorrow?

I dont even know.

[snorts]

I might go to brunch or, like,

Netflix and chill-- Whatever.

Its so great. Look at you.

See, youve got boobies.

Everybody stop and look. These are boobs.

Crane your neck, lady. Look, yeah.

Those are perfect.

See, boobies,

you want to just snuggle and...

and...

You know, like a soft-serve ice cream.

You wanna mash it in your face! Aaah!

But mom tits...

Mom tits you wanna throw in the trash.

And its messed up because, like,

none of my, uh, girlfriends told me

how hard it was having children.

Like, women dont admit

to feeling ambivalent sometimes

about raising kids.

Instead they use soft language,

and they say things like,

Well, hmm... having a child, its, uh...

[chuckling]

Well, its challenging.

Im like, No. No!

No. Sticking to a diet is challenging.

Doing a yoga pose is challenging.

Holding in a fart during a massage...

Which I cant do anymore, by the way.

No, I love my son. I do.

He was, like, the best thing

that ever happened to me.

He is the love of my life.

His name is Ellis, and hes 18 months old.

And I-- I love him so much.

And I am-- Thank you, yes.

Thank you for love.

Oh!

I love him so much,

and I am a fierce mama wolf.

And I would slit all of your throats...

[screams]

...to save my kids life.

But...

But sometimes

I might lock myself in the bathroom

and clean my ears,

and I might just push that Q-tip

all the way in.

Its challenging.

Nobody tells you that,

like, pregnancy, thats the fun part.

Being pregnant was so fun, you know.

Cause I would get the ultrasounds

every week,

cause I was, like, an old mom,

and I would mess with those nurses.

Theyd have that wand in me,

and Id be like,

Oh, hey, can you see

if my high school boyfriends class ring

is still in there?

Can you tell if my son is gay?

How bout black? I dont know.

The best part was lying to my husband.

Because they dont know anything

about the female body.

You can tell them anything, you know.

Id be like, Oh, Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo,

theres so much I cant do

now that Im pregnant.

Oh, I cant have wine. I cant eat sushi.

Oh, yeah, I cant give blow jobs either.

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Christina Pazsitzky

Christina Pazsitzky (born June 18, 1976) is a Canadian-American stand-up comedian, podcaster, writer, host and TV personality. She currently lives in Los Angeles, California in USA. Christina is married to comedian Tom Segura. more…

All Christina Pazsitzky scripts | Christina Pazsitzky Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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