Carry on Cleo Page #3

- Where did we capture her?

- At the settlement they call Bristol, sir.

Oh, yes! I might've guessed.

And what is your name, dear?

They call me Gloria, my lord.

Remind me to take her back to Rome

with me.

I'd like to give my wife something useful

for a change.

Useful, sir? To her?

Fair's fair. The last thing she gave me

was some perfume.

lt sounds like one of our legions

is returning, sir.

Legion, dismiss!

The army from the south

with Mark Antony at their head.

Oh, good! My friend.

(Thunder)

- Hail, Mark Antony!

- Hail.

Snow. Sleet. Thunder. Lightning.

The lot. Julius in?

Aargh!

I see he is.

It's all right for some people.

I'm busy waging a war,

he's busy trying to make a piece!

Mark Antony, sir.

- Julie!

- Tony!

- I've caught you with your toga up!

- I was just soaking my feet.

I can't seem to get them warm.

You've been wearing

open-toed sandals again.

No, it's not that, it's this filthy disease

I've caught. Some locaI thing.

It's called "a stinking cold".

Never mind. Carryy on. Don't mind me.

Get them in again.

- Thank you.

- All right?

Much better.

And how goes the conquest of Britain?

I just don't get these Britons at all.

Ever time we get

a decent punch-up started,

some geezer behind their line shouts,

"Tea up!" and they all disappear.

"Tea up"? How ver odd.

lt must be one of these strange gods

they worship.

like this other one

they're always talking about, "Crumpet".

- What's that again?

- Crump-et. I don't understand it at all.

No. I don't think

they want to be conquered.

I know what you mean. Apathetic.

That's the word.

We didn't have any trouble

in Spain and Gaul. We slayed 'em there.

I don't know why we bother with this lot.

Look at these lovely straight roads I built.

They don't even bother to use them.

Same with the baths.

This countr is a dead loss.

It's always so cold and damp.

You wouldn't think it, but this is supposed

to be "the season of the golden breezes"!

More like the season

of the brazen monkeys.

Excuse me, sir,

but a messenger is without.

I'm not surprised.

lf we stay here much longer,

we'll all be without. Send him in.

Enter.

Hail, Caesar, hail!

Oh, hail! My corn!

- Hail!

- All right. We don't want all that.

What is it?

Mighty Caesar,

I have come hotfoot from Rome.

I bring an important message

from your esteemed father-in-law Seneca.

Oh! I wish he'd use a lighter notepaper!

I'm terribly sorryy, my lord. I didn't mean...

Get out, you great steaming nit.

Go on, hop it.

- Go on, Julie. Sit down.

- Oh, thank you.

Fool!

- What does the old fooI say?

- Hang on.

It starts off, "Beware the ides of March."

What does that mean?

Don't ask me.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes