Carry on Cleo

Synopsis: Two Britons are captured and enslaved by invading Romans and taken to Rome. Hengist Pod creates useless inventions, while Horsa is a brave and cunning fighter. One of their first encounters in Rome leaves Hengist being mistaken for a fighter, and gets drafted into the Royal Guard to protect Caesar. Cleo doesn't want him around and plots for his sudden demise...
Genre: Comedy, History
Director(s): Gerald Thomas
Production: Governor Films Inc.
92 min

(Narrator) 'This is Cleopatra,

the fabulous queen of the Nile,

'whose only resemblance to an iceberg

'is that no more

than one tenth of her is visible.

'while nine tenths, the better part of her,

is beneath the surface.

'Fate has decreed that the mighty leader

of the Roman Empire and Cleopatra

'should be flung together

into the melting pot of history.


'And this is the ancient British settlement

of Cockium inconnoviae.

'where lived the inventor of the device

'that has brought to generations

of beautifuI girls

'the healthy exercise

known as "having to walk home".

'As he worked at his wheels,

this simple Briton, Hengist Pod,

'would listen to his wife telling him

what he should do with them.'

Wheels, wheels, wheels,

that's all you ever think about.

Doesn't matter about me, oh, no,

never mind about taking me out

for a bit of fun.

it's all very well your sitting there

making perishing wheels,

but what sort of life is it for me?

Nothing but the same drear old round,

day in, day out.

Stuck in this miserable hovel,

while you go your own sweet way.

- Scraping and screwing?

- Scraping and screwing.

Trying to keep a roof over my head

with precious little help from you.

- Fingers to the bone?

- Working my fingers to the bone.

- Scrubbing and clearing up after you.

- Hot ash-pit?

Slaving away over a hot ash-pit

morning, noon and night.

Cooking meals that nobody appreciates,

and for what?

- insults and ingratitude?

- insults and ingratitude.

I've given you the best years of my life,

Hengist Pod, and do you care?

- Not a jot.

- Not a jot, you don't.

For all you care,

I may as well not be here.

Well, my mother warned me.

"You'll never get anywhere with him,"

she said. "He's a dreamer."

Poor Mother.

I'm glad she's not here to see this.

I'm glad she's not here as well,

the silly old...

- What did you say?

- is the tea ready?

- Good day to you.

- Oh! Hello.

I'm your new neighbour.

I've just moved into the next cave.

We were gonna take that,

but we didn't like

the idea of constant running water.

- isn't that an advantage?

- Not when it's running through the roof!

Excuse me, but I was just admiring

that thing you're making.

It's ver good. What is it?

Oh, it's a wheel. It's for going on a cart.

Where I come from,

they have things to go on carts,

but they're sort of round, like that.

Yes, yes, yes. I know all about those.

But the trouble with them is, you see,

that if you stop on a hill,

they roll backwards.

- This one won't, you see.

- Ah, but... but will it roll forwards?

Obviously, if it can't roll backwards,

there's only one way left for it to go.

And another thing.

If you think you're going to get away with...

Oh! I beg your pardon.

I didn't know we had company.

This is our next-door neighbour, dear,

Mr um...

Horsa. Son of Ethelred.

Not Ethelred the Unready?

No, my dad was always ready.

So my mum said!

How do you do, Mr Horsa?

Please excuse the way I look.

I haven't had a chance to put on

a lick of woad this morning.

Not at all. You look lovely.

My name's Pod, Hengist Pod.

This is my wife Senna.

Senna! Oh! That's a pretty...

- Pretty what?

- Er, pretty name.

It was, till I married somebody called Pod.

I shall excuse my wife.

She's not quite herself.

Her poor old mother

was eaten by a brontosaurus.

- That was too bad.

- Yes, you're right.

Brontosaurus died within the hour.

- How much do you want for your wheel?

- I don't know. I've never sold one before.

- People don't like new ideas.

- I'll have it.

Just the one?

What good would that be?

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Talbot Rothwell

Talbot Nelson Conn Rothwell, OBE (12 November 1916 – 28 February 1981) was an English screenwriter. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Carry on Cleo" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 26 Feb. 2021. <>.

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