Carry on Camping Page #3

(Screaming and yelling)

Go on, hit her!

Go on!

I'll teach you to call me a cow, you old b*tch!

Look out, the Head's coming!

Oh!

(Crash)

Stand up, girls.

Good evening, Miss Haggard.

Carry on, girls.

(Shouting and screaming)

Come in.

Ah, Matron, what can I do for you?

I'm sorry to trouble you, Dr Soaper,

but I've been thinking about this camping trip

for the girls that remain with us

during the holidays.

What about it?

I was wondering

whether it really was such a good idea.

Perhaps you're forgetting, it was my idea.

Oh, no, no. And, of course,

it is an absolutely splendid one.

- But...

- But what?

Well, I was wondering whether

perhaps they might find it a trifle spartan.

I mean, their being such delicate

and refined girls.

(Yelling)

(Whistles)

Ooh-ooh! Usual place, boys, in five minutes.

The point I'm really trying to make is that here

I can keep full control over them,

but, outside, anything might happen.

You seem to be forgetting, Miss Haggard,

you're coming with us.

Surely you and I together

can keep suitable control?

Well, I was thinking about the girls.

So am I.

Oh. But don't you see?

It raises the problem of sex.

I assure you, Matron,

I wouldn't dream of bothering you in that way.

I meant, with the girls.

They're liable to come into contact with boys.

Oh, yes, but I don't think that'll be a problem.

It's been my experience that once young people

sample the delights of country life

and the wonders of nature,

oh, they just can't get enough of it.

- Exactly.

- I was thinking of the girls.

- So was I.

- Exactly.

Well, I do hope you're right, Dr Soaper.

Oh, yes, yes, I assure you, Matron.

But I take the point you made earlier.

Yes, these girls have led very sheltered lives.

They don't even know what boys are.

I suggest you give them a little talk

on the subject. Nothing too frightening.

Just stick to the birds and the bees,

with a possible reference to

the behaviour of monkeys.

- Well, I'll try, Dr Soaper.

- Good. Good.

And if any of them feel any unnatural urges,

or the desire to do something they shouldn't,

send them straight to me.

- You?

- Yes.

- Well, I was thinking about the girls.

- So was I.

Oh, you're not wearing that!

- What?

- That hat.

Oh, sorry, dear. Force of habit.

Ah, that's the ticket.

Come on. Let's get our packs on.

And off we go!

There. How do I look?

Like an old mailbag filled with unwanted parcels.

- Splendid. Shall I drive?

- Why not? You always do.

Good. Come on. Let's go.

(Car engine turns over)

(Car starts)

Don't forget, not a word to the girls

about where we're going. It's a mystery holiday.

- They'll find out the minute we get there.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote