Carry on Camping

...and in spite of all she'd heard,

Sally was quite unprepared for the sight

that met her eyes,

as she looked out of her tent

on this first morning in Paradise Camp.

Everywhere she looked, happy campers

went about their everyday tasks

unencumbered by clothing,

unembarrassed and unashamed.

So this was paradise!

How beautiful it seemed to her.

How unlike her past holidays in Bournemouth.

Suddenly, Sally's shyness

and natural timidity vanished,

and forgetting all about

her strict convent training,

she stepped out from her tent,

as naked and free as nature intended.

- Cor!

- That's quite enough of that, thank you.

- What's the matter?

- You told us this film was about camping.

- It is. Those are tents, aren't they?

- Not what you're looking at.

If you're going on a camping holiday,

it makes sense to find out what it's all about.

A fat lot you're going to learn from this!

I'm making a mental note of all the equipment

they've got.

Yes, especially hers.

Sh!

Setting out to explore paradise,

Sally's first stop was at the tennis court,

where four sun-bronzed campers

were playing a mixed doubles.

(Cackles)

Oh, gorblimey!

You won't see nothing like that at Wimbledon -

open or not.

If one of those men turn round,

I'm walking straight out of here.

What's the matter, Anth? Don't you like tennis?

I feel sick.

I don't blame her.

Honestly, I don't know where to look.

I do. (Cackles)

Close your eyes

and I'll tell you when to open them.

I don't want to close my eyes. I just want to go.

I know just how she feels.

It's disgusting, that's what it is, disgusting!

What are you talking about? It's artistic.

- Artistic?

- Certainly.

With all those big bottoms bobbling about

all over the screen?

You wouldn't think anything of it

if we walked round like that all the time,

free, unfettered, unashamed.

Oh, no? I suppose you'd rather be sat here

all stark naked?

- It wouldn't bother me.

- It would if your ice lolly fell in your lap.

You're a prude.

If you don't mind, we're trying to hear back here.

Sorry, mate, if I'd known that

I'd have spoken a bit louder. (Cackles)

In another part of the camp

a party of carefree young people

were just starting off on a bicycle ride.

Hey, look, Anth! That fair girl at the end,

she's got a saddle just like mine.

Ooh!

That's being unfettered.

They don't bother with trouser clips.

While in front of the canteen,

a group of men were benefiting from a PT class,

rhythmically bending over to touch their toes.

Oh, dear!

Oh, my God!

That does it. Anthea was right.

We should have gone to The Sound Of Music.

- You've seen that before.

- I've seen that before, too.

- Sh!

- Oh, shut up!

Come on, Anthea. Are you coming as well?

- Wait a minute. Let's see the end.

- I've seen enough ends already. Come on.

I suppose we'd better go with 'em, Sid.

Excuse me.

It makes you sick.

They just don't appreciate culture.

And so to the swimming pool,

where all the prettiest young girls

were disporting themselves.

Ah!

Hello, darling.

- Oh, no.

- Hello, Peter. I'm checking on the camping gear.

So I see.

Had a good day?

Oh, not bad.

Got drunk at lunch time, then went to a strip

club, then finished off in bed with a popsy.

Ah, look, there's a hole in this tent flap.

Yes, the goat ate its way in last year.

Oh, yes, I remember. He was after your bedding.

Yes, that's right. He even left a deposit on it.

(Annoying high-pitched laugh)

Oh, poor Peter! We had a good laugh

about that, though, didn't we?

Yes, you did, didn't you?

That's what I love about camping.

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