Carry On... Up the Khyber Page #4

Ah. I thought it would not be long

before he came.

Return to your quarters, O warmers of my feet.

Not you, O light of my darkness.

I want you to stay and witness

the discomfiture of the British pigs.

Yes, my father.

I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that.

Rank stupidity!

His Excellency, the Governor of Kalabar.

# Rule Britannia

Your Excellency,

your presence enriches my humble home.

May the benevolence of the god Shivu

bring blessings on your house.

And on yours.

And may his wisdom bring success

in all your undertakings.

And in yours.

And may his radiance light up your life.

And up yours.

Your Excellency is most kind.

May I have the honour to present my daughter,

the Princess Jelhi?

An appropriate name

for one set in so perfect a mould.

Ho-ho-ho! Oh, 'ere.

I must beg Your Excellency not to lavish

too much of his excruciating wit on us.

Yes. May I present Captain Keene

and Sergeant Major Macnutt?

I have already seen Captain Keene

on the polo field. He is very pretty.

Thank you, Princess.

I have also seen you.

You are... very pretty, too.

Thank you. You would like to embrace me?

Not yet. Not before tiffin, daughter.

Gentlemen,

please, be seated.

Jelhi, serve our honoured guests.

And how is Her Most Gracious Majesty

Queen Waterloo?

- Victoria.

- Oh, yes, of course.

Silly me. I never can remember.

She's well. I had a postcard from her

the other day. She sends her love.

Ohh. She is most generous.

I must make her another gift.

Some more elephants perhaps?

Oh, I wouldn't do that, Your Highness.

Buckingham Palace isn't all that big

and they need a lot of clearing up after.

If you say so.

But in India, the more elephants a man has,

the higher his standing.

Yes, and the higher his rhubarb.

Oh-ho-ho-ho...

Jelhi!

Yes, my father?

It is not proper for one of such high caste

to be making the eyes of the cow

at the rear end of the horse.

Not even when his smile shines

like the very sun of the heavens?

Not even when it shines

like the very seat of the trousers.

Go to the women's quarters

and pay your respects to your mother.

- (Whispers) Which one is she again?

- Oh, how many more times?

She with the hair like burnished copper

and the eyes as green as emeralds...

and No.32 stamped on her back.

I see Your Excellency is admiring my trophies.

- Yes, they're something to be proud of.

- Take a closer look.

It has taken me many years to collect them.

Very impressive. Very, very impressive.

I'd even go so far as to say

that you're a bit of a shot.

- I hope I heard you correctly.

- You did.

I have a more recent one over here

which I think will interest Your Excellency.

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