Carry On... Up the Khyber

Synopsis: Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond looks after the British outpost near the Khybar pass. Protected by the kilted Third Foot and Mouth regiment, you would think they were safe. But the Khazi of Kalabar has other ideas. He wants all the British dead! But his troops fear the "skirted-devils"; they are rumoured not to wear anything underneath. Then one is caught with his pants on...
Genre: Adventure, Comedy
Director(s): Gerald Thomas
Production: J. Arthur Rank Productions
 
IMDB:
6.9
NOT RATED
Year:
1968
88 min
138 Views

India, 1895.

The most precious gem in the far-flung belly

of the Great British Empire.

Here the British rulers and their memsahibs

enjoyed a life of luxury and ease,

matched only by that of the Indian rajahs.

None more so than Her Majesty's Governor

of the Northwest Frontier Province,

Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond.

(Elephant breaks wind)

For them, it was a rich life.

And endless round of receptions, balls,

ceremonial processions, tiger shoots,

and, of course, polo.

And who are we playing today,

Major Shorthouse?

- Kalabar Ravers, Your Excellency.

- Oh, top-hole.

Hic!

Pardon.

Who's the turban-job on the throne?

You mean the Khasi.

That's Randy Lal.

Who?

Randy Lal, the Khasi of Kalabar.

Ooh. How do you know he is, then?

How do I know he's what?

Randy.

That's his name!

Ooh.

He's very good-looking, isn't he?

Yes. The richest and most powerful rajah

in northern India.

He's smiling at us.

- Well, smile back.

- Cooee!

You don't have to go raving mad.

My father, who are those people?

That, light of my darkness,

is Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond,

the British Governor, whose benevolent rule

and wise guidance we could well do without.

Oh, I say, he's a charming man, isn't he?

Yes. I wouldn't trust him an inch.

- Ooh, neither would I.

- I didn't mean that.

You don't like this man, my father?

Light of my darkness,

there is no mountain in all India

high enough from which

to adequately show my contempt of him.

Well, why do you smile at him so favourably?

Because in these days

of British military supremacy,

the Indian must be as a basket with two faces.

Shall I tell you something? He'd like to massacre

me and every other Britisher in India.

Well, then, what do you keep smiling at him

like that for?

Because as a top-rank British diplomatist,

I'm as two-faced as he is.

Played, sir.

Well played, Philip!

He'll go far, that boy,

if he makes the right marriage.

Oh, I say! He did not 'alf crack that one,

did he not?

Dearest, if you can't express yourself in more

elegant terms, kindly shut your cake-hole.

And so the British carried on

with their carefree life,

little knowing that

in the snow-capped mountains to the north,

the spark was soon to be lit

that would set Kalabar ablaze.

Here was the famous Khyber Pass,

the gateway to India.

This was a vital key point,

guarded night and day by the celebrated

Highland regiment, the 3rd Foot & Mouth.

Fearless fighting men, aptly referred to

by the natives as "the Devils in Skirts".

SERGEANT MAJOR:
Private Widdle!

Sergeant Major?

Private Widdle, I know you're an ignorant nana,

but when you are ordered to attention,

you are courteously requested

to stop shuffling your flaming feet about!

I was only trying to keep warm.

Oh, so you're cold, are you?

Perishing.

The way the wind whistles up the Pass.

I'm sorry to hear that, Widdle. Maybe

you'd like me to get you a hot-water bottle.

Oh, how very kind.

As a matter of fact, I already have one.

(Splash)

And what, may I ask, is that thing doing in there?

It keeps my dangler warm.

Give it here!

For the last time, stop calling it a dangler!

It's a sporran!

Yes, Sergeant Major. Sorry.

Look at you, Widdle.

A Devil in Skirts!

You look more like an Angel in Pond!

- (All laugh)

- Silence!

You're not much better, any of you!

I've seen better-equipped men

guarding a harem.

- Ha-ha ha-ha!

- That's not funny, Widdle!

You're a disgrace to the regiment.

I didn't ask to be a Devil in Skirts.

Maybe you're right, Widdle.

You're too good for the likes of us.

You deserve a bit extra.

- Oh, do you really mean that?

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Talbot Rothwell

Talbot Nelson Conn Rothwell, OBE (12 November 1916 – 28 February 1981) was an English screenwriter. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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