Boat That Rocked, The Page #3

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or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio.

But "f***," never.

- Excuse me, my Lordship.

- Yes, Harold?

You've left your mike up

in the studio.

So I have.

I do apologise to everyone out there

for the four...

Or was it five "F" words, Quentin?

The Hollies will continue undisturbed.

I'm so sorry about that, Quentin,

but you know,

I thought you sounded good.

You have a lovely voice for radio.

F*** off.

That makes it six, Quentin.

It couldn't have turned out better,

in my opinion.

Right. Good morning, good morning, good

morning, good morning. Please sit down.

Pirate radio stations.

Good, good, good, good, good.

Now, I have told the Prime Minister that

we will shut them down within 12 months.

As you will see, sir, they're not in fact

outside of the law at the moment, sir.

Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr...

- Fredericks.

- Fredericks.

You see, that's the whole point

of being the government.

If you don't like something, you simply

make up a new law that makes it illegal.

- Speaking of which, Mr...

- Fredericks.

- Fredericks.

- Yes, sir?

I think we might also start working on

legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours.

- You don't like it, sir?

- No one likes it. Apart from blind people.

And I'm sure even they can sense

its profound ugliness as it passes by.

I'll give you a day to deal with the hair,

and a fortnight to deal with the pirates.

Goodbye.

Miss C, as I suspected, totally useless!

- Send me that clever new chap!

- Certainly, sir!

I have a job for him.

We have some damage to do.

Good morning, everybody. You're listening

to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show

on 203 metres in the medium waveband.

You're one of 23 million people

listening to the Boat of Love this morning.

Looking forward to Saturday?

- What's Saturday?

- Saturday! Sensational Saturday!

As you may have noticed, there are,

unfortunubbly, no women on this boat,

- apart from Felicity...

Hiya!

...who is of the lesbionic tendency.

But every second Saturday, each DJ

is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat.

So, any idea who'll you'll invite?

God.

Presumably there's a sort of presumption

that there'll be...

- Sex, of some sort.

- Every time.

Yeah.

Then no.

I've spent my life at all-boys' schools.

The closest I've ever come to a snog

is when I was once licked on the face

by a horse.

- Sounds good, actually.

A horse?

I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son.

I would seriously like to help.

I will put my mind to it.

- Miss Peacock.

- How are you lined up, eh?

- Well, her name is Daphne.

- And she likes the bearded man.

- She does, indeed.

- With a tiny knob.

Whatever.

I've got a tiny knob, actually.

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