Boat That Rocked, The


Are you sitting quite comfortably?

Then I'll begin.

And the Home Service

will be on the air at 6:45,

with a market report for farmers.

No, no, I'm the treasurer

of the Picnic Committee.

The treasurer?

Answers, please.

Not to me, but to our producer.

Cheerio! See you next week!

- Good night, Dad.

- Good night, James. Straight to bed.

- Good night, Mum.

- Good night, James. Sleep tight!

Off with the lights now, please.

It's 9:
00 at night

and the dull dudes on the planet

are sitting in their slippers

sipping their sherries,

but the people who love to rock and to roll

are ready to ride

the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more.

You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm

the Count, and I'm counting on you,

as we count down to ecstasy

and rock all day and all of the night.

- How much longer?

- No time at all. There she is.

Where she is?

There she is.

- I'm here to see Quentin.

- Come, come.


- Carl?

- Yes.

My favourite godson.

- Have we met before?

- I don't think so.

No. There was a lost decade,

so I always have to check.

- How's your mum?

- She's fine.

Not over-fond of me at the moment.

She's a very attractive woman.

- Well, I...

- No, seriously.

I mean, to you, she's your mum,

but to people of my age,

she's a sexual legend.



- That's right.

- What for?

I suppose smoking was the clincher.

Drugs or cigarettes?

Well, both.

Well done.

Proud of you.

So your mum sent you here in the hope that

a little bracing sea air would sort you out?

- Something like that.

- Spectacular mistake.

But, if you don't drown, we can at least help

you to give up smoking and drug-taking.

I just have and I feel so much better for it.


No, thank you.


Excuse me, everyone.

Could I introduce Carl, my godson?

Welcome aboard. I'm the Count.

I must be obeyed.

It's an honour.

Hi, Carl.

Don't miss Simple Simon's

Super Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon.

That's why I just said that.

Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.

Hello there.

I'm John, News and Information Gathering.

Hi, I'm Felicity.

- I didn't think girls were...

- I'm a lesbian.

Who cooks.

- Of course.

- Have a piece of toast.

- Could I have a Mars?

- Don't touch those, I've just arranged them.

Do you... Do you know what a lesbian is?

- I do.

- Fun times, eh?

Anyone, toast, toast?

I'm Thick Kevin.

- Your delightful roommate.

- Great. I'm Carl.

- Cool name.

- Why Thick Kevin?

- I don't...

- It's 'cause he's really, really thick.

This is, of course, Dave.


Big, but very beautiful.

Welcome to the Boat of Love.

You know,

if God were a DJ, he'd be on this station.

Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence.

And that was the sound of someone

who missed last Sunday's chart show.

Don't go mad

and shoot yourself in the head.

Listen to Simple Simon's show...

Why am I queuing up my own records?

While I was swimming,

I passed by a squirrel.

I just broke the knob off the record player.

Let's do it right now. I'm busting for a wee.

A small knob. I like it.

I said, "Mr Squirrel,

why are you swimming on your back?"


"Well, I swim on my back

to keep my nuts dry. "

I'm on fire! All right, I'm out.

You're probably still at school,

it's 20 to 3:

Or you might be bunking off,

in which case, good on you.

- Carl?

- Yes.

- How you doing?

- Quite good, thank you.

- Are you nervous?

- A little bit.

- Come over here. Yeah, come over here.

- There?

Come on.

Welcome. Turn around.

Now get the f*ck out.

Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun

starts here. We're ready...

- We're ready. Gather 'round.

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Richard Curtis

Richard Whalley Anthony Curtis, CBE (born 8 November 1956) is a New Zealand-born English screenwriter, producer and film director. One of Britain's most successful comedy screenwriters, he is known primarily for romantic comedy films such as Four Weddings and a Funeral, Bridget Jones's Diary, Notting Hill, and Love Actually, as well as the hit sitcoms Blackadder, Mr. Bean and The Vicar of Dibley. He is also the co-founder of the British charity Comic Relief along with Lenny Henry. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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