Bo Burnham: what. Page #3

---

Ha ha ha.

Classic comedy.

Everything

that once was sad

Is somehow funny now

The Holocaust and 9/11

That sh*t's funny 24-7

'Cause tragedy will be

exclusively joked about

Because my empathy

is bumming me out

Good-bye, sadness

Hello, jokes

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I got a really good joke

about video editors.

Video editors are so f***ing--

I think we should do a poem

right now, if that's okay.

This poem is a little bit sappy,

a little bit romantic.

So we'll get it

out of the way now.

And we will go back to the--

whoops--the dirty stuff,

you know, everyone loves

at a late show or whatever.

Okay.

It's called I F*** Sluts.

It's not a roll call,

but thank you.

Sluts, sluts--

Sluts, sluts, I f*** sluts.

Sluts get f***ed

when I f*** sluts.

No if, ands, and/or buts.

I f*** sluts.

I f*** sluts.

Nice girls are nice

but no good for nut-sucking.

They'll need a serene night

to green-light a butt-f***ing.

But that'd be easy with sleazy

old slut f***ing.

Boo to the nice girls.

Praise be to slut-f***ing.

I have a list.

A list?

Yes, a list of all the sluts

I've missed.

I've never f***ed or sucked

these sluts,

and thus my nuts

are f***ing pissed.

So, when I f***

the lucky slut,

my nut removes her

from the list.

Another dumb cumbucket

struck from my nut-sucking,

suck it, slut,

slut-f***ing bucket list.

Yes, you hear the influences--

Chaucer, Keats.

The pages are blank.

I know it.

Why am I lying to you?

Sluts can be white, black,

brown, pink, or almond.

They can be skinny with big tits

or be skinny with small ones.

Sluts can be perky, preppy,

or posh,

with their brains

and their clothes

all shrunk from the wash.

Excuse me.

But other sluts are pretty

and funny and smart.

These sluts can lift

all your thoughts

from your dick to your heart.

They can talk about science,

music, or art.

They can put you together,

or they can pull you apart.

But don't trust these sluts.

Don't. Don't you dare.

They'll force you to trust them

and love them and care.

And then they'll be gone,

and then you'll be aware

of that hole in your heart

that that dumb slut left there.

Thank you very much.

"So he was lashing out

with sexist language

"'cause he had

his heart broken.

We all learned something."

Thank you all for coming.

I know some of my bits

are a little bit fast and dense,

a little bit hard to follow,

particularly that one.

So I want to do something

a little bit slower

for the people,

maybe the older people

in the crowd or something,

so this is for you.

Here's a slow joke.

[slowed tone]

[deep voice]

What did the ear of corn say

when all of its clothes

fell off?

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes