Blades Of Glory Page #5

I'll cut to the chase.

- You gotta start skating again, Jimmy.

- What?

It's embarrassing stalking a has-been,

you know what I mean?

Look, I almost gave up on you.

I started working

with that Ukrainian skater,

you know the one that looks like Elvis?

And I moved to the Ukraine

and it was cold and everyone had guns

and smelled like soup.

I sympathize with you, Hector.

I really do, but there's nothing I can do.

I'm banned for life.

Don't be so sure.

Section 14, paragraph G,

"A lifetime ban is irrevocable

and the banned skater can never again

"compete in any

Federation-sanctioned tournament

"that exists in such a skater's division."

You see? You're only banned

from your division, men's singles!

You can still compete in pairs skating.

Pairs.

How is this possible?

I had so many lawyers work on

so many appeals.

Because nobody can obsess like I can.

Good luck, Jimmy.

And I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!

(CHILDREN BOOING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, little forest creatures.

None of you sons-of-b*tches

try to be heroes. You hear me?

(BOTTLE CLINKING)

GARY:
(WHISPERING)

Hey, Chazz. Come on.

It's Gary. What are you doing?

Hey, everyone!

This is Gary, the squirrel.

Now listen up.

Gary's been a long-time friend.

We've been skating

for two and a half years.

I remember when we were hanging out

at the bus stop in Tucson,

and Gary said, "I've got a third ball."

(VOMITING)

Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

That's the reality.

Another layer to the legend.

I am nothing but a human onion.

In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.

(VOMITING)

Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice

will be cancelled until further notice.

No refunds will be given.

(BOOING)

Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.

There's a loophole. I was banned

from men's singles but not pairs.

I can skate

in the Wintersport Games again.

I knew it. I knew after three years,

you just weren't checking in.

I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy.

You gotta move on, too.

But I'm a skater.

There's nothing to move on to,

except for winning the gold again

and keeping it this time.

You know how hard it is

to find a partner?

Even if you did,

you gotta qualify for Nationals.

That's a month away.

I mean, sign-up is in two days.

It can't be that hard. I mean...

Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy.

It's like a cruel b*tch mother.

She'll seduce you

with chocolates and roses

and then kick you to the side of the road

like a dead raccoon.

Forget it. I gotta go.

It's good to see you.

Wait, Coach!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Jimmy MacElroy?

Another great walking through the halls

of the Grublets.

Welcome to my little production.

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