Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #3

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YEAH, I HAD TO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT AGE YOU

DECIDED NOT TO, BUT I WENT HOME

AT 39 NOT MARRIED, NO KIDS,

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "THERE IS

NO WAY I AM GOING HOME AT 40.

THERE'S NO WAY.

THERE'S NO WAY."

PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN, LIKE, ASKING

QUESTIONS.

THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU WEIRD.

JUST LIKE, "SO YOU'RE JUST..."

[laughter]

"YOU'RE JUST GONNA TELL JOKES,

YOU KNOW?

TALK ABOUT DISEASE AND WISH I ON PEOPLE AND MAKE FUN OF

PEOPLE WHO LIKE CAKE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?

YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A

CUL-DE-SAC AND HAVE A COUPLE OF

KIDS AND GRADUALLY RESEN EVERYONE AND THEN TAKE YOUR OWN

LIFE?

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT?"

[laughter]

YEAH.

NO, DUDE, I WOULD LOVE TO BE

MARRIED.

LIKE, IN MY HEAD, IT ALL MAKES

SENSE.

LIKE, I--YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BU IT JUST--IT SCARES ME.

WHEN I SEE MARRIED GUYS, I JUS GET, LIKE, NERVOUS, MAN, THA I'M JUST GONNA BE, LIKE, THA STEREOTYPICAL MARRIED GUY, YOU

KNOW?

JUST, LIKE, A SHELL OF MY FORMER

SELF.

YOU KNOW, EVERY WEEKEND UP ON

THAT SILVER LADDER JUST SCOOPING

[bleep] OUT OF THE GUTTERS.

[laughter]

MY NEIGHBOR COMING OVER, YOU

KNOW.

"HEY, BILL, HOW'S IT GOING?"

"OH, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD,

PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, SUSIE KEEPS GETTING

BIGGER, YOU KNOW.

I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SHIRT FOR

11 YEARS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY

DREAMS, YOU KNOW.

I JUST LIKE COMING UP HERE

'CAUSE IT'S QUIET.

YEAH, I JUST STAND UP HERE

AND THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE

BEEN.

YEAH."

MY NEIGHBOR'S NOT EVEN LISTENING

TO ME.

HE'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOME

GARDEN HOSE HE BOUGHT A BROOKSTONE.

HE'S CONVINCED IT WAS DESIGNED

BY NASA.

"ACTUALLY, IT'S GOT TWO NOZZLES,

ONE FOR THE HOT AND ONE FOR THE

COLD."

REALLY?

IS IT LONG ENOUGH TO GO AROUND

BOTH OUR NECKS AND THE CHIMNEY

SO WE CAN TANDEM JUMP OFF OF

THIS?

THAT'S ALL I REALLY CARE ABOU YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GARDEN HOSE.

[laughter]

NOW, I KNOW I JUST SORT OF

MENTIONED KILLING MYSELF THERE.

[laughter]

I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT,

ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE I DID THA JOKE WHEN I WAS DOWN IN THE

BIBLE BELT, AND I WAS DOWN

SOUTH, AND THIS GIRL TOOK ME

REALLY SERIOUSLY.

SHE CAME UP TO ME AT THE END OF

THE SHOW, AND SHE'S LIKE,

"YOU'RE NOT REALLY THINKING

ABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT REALLY..."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO.

I'M JUST JOKING.

I'M JUST JOKING."

SHE GOES, "GOOD, 'CAUSE, YOU

KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN IF

YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH, YOU

KNOW, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A

[bleep], YOU KNOW?"

[laughter]

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T.

I JUST LIKE FREAKING OUT PEOPLE

THAT ARE THAT RELIGIOUS,

THAT HAVE A WHOLE LITTLE

CHECKLIST.

"[bleep] IF YOU DO THIS, YOU GO

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