Bill Burr: Let It Go

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[quirky rock music]

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT HERE.

OKAY, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, I DIDN'T CURE ANYTHING.

JESUS CHRIST.

[laughter]

[bleep] LIFETIME ACHIEVEMEN AWARD OUT HERE.

[laughter]

[laughs]

I...I HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD

FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I'M JUST REALLY THINKING THE

WORST OF PEOPLE.

[laughter]

I REALLY AM.

YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE

ANIMALS--SOME OF THE ANIMALS I

SEE.

LIKE, I WAS IN THE AIRPORT THE

OTHER DAY, RIGHT?

I'M SITTING THERE WAITING FOR MY

FLIGHT TO TAKE MY LIFE AND

WATCHING THIS--WATCHING

THIS LADY.

SHE'S EATING EGG MCMUFFINS,

LIKE, PLURAL, AND JUST THREW,

LIKE, THREE OF THEM RIGHT DOWN

HER THROAT LIKE A PELICAN.

JUST, LIKE, RIGHT DOWN HER

GULLET.

AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE WIPED

HER FACE WITH THE BAG.

[laughter]

AHH, WITH THE BAG, NOT EVEN

LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST DO THE

CORNERS," AND, "AHHHH."

THEN SHE JUST KIND OF

STRAIGHT-RAZOR SHAVED.

JUST AN ABSOLUTE ANIMAL.

I SAW THIS OTHER DUDE.

HE WAS SO OUT OF SHAPE, HE WAS,

LIKE, TRYING TO ITCH HIS BACK,

AND HE COULDN'T REACH IT, SO HE

WALKED UP TO A SUPPORT POLE

THAT WAS HOLDING UP AN ENTIRE

FLOOR OF THE AIRPORT AND JUS WALKS UP, AND HE JUST STARTS,

LIKE, RUBBING UP AGAINST I LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR.

JUST SITTING THERE.

JUST A [bleep] ANIMAL.

[laughter]

DUDE, I AM SO PRO-SWINE FLU,

IT'S, LIKE, RIDICULOUS.

I WANT IT.

WE NEED A PLAGUE.

I'M TELLING YOU, WE NEED A

PLAGUE.

IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN, AND DON'T BE

AFRAID.

IT'S ONLY GONNA--IT'S ONLY GONNA

KILL THE WEAK, YOU KNOW?

SERIOUSLY, PUT ON A SWEATER.

TAKE SOME VITAMINS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

JUST...

YOU'VE GOT TO LET MOTHER NATURE

DO HER THING, MAN.

SHE KEEPS TRYING TO HELP US OUT,

AND WE WON'T LET HER DO IT.

KEEPS TRYING TO THIN THE HERD,

AND EVERY SINGLE TIME, WE'RE

LIKE, "OH, GO DOWN AND GET YOUR

VACCINATION."

WHY?

WHY?

SO EGG MCMUFFIN LADY CAN BREED

WITH THE BACK FAT GUY,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN.

YOU'VE GOT TO LET HER DO IT.

SERIOUSLY, PLAGUE, IT'S LIKE

NATURE'S FOREST FIRE,

YOU KNOW?

JUST LET IT BURN OUT ALL THE

DEAD WOOD.

[laughter]

NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.

WE'RE THE ONLY--WE'RE THE ONLY

SPECIES THAT SAVES THE WEAK.

WE REALLY ARE.

LIONS DON'T DO THAT [bleep],

YOU KNOW?

A LION GETS A LITTLE THORN IN

HIS PAW, AND EVERYBODY'S,

"SLOW DOWN.

DO YOU HAVE AN EAR INFECTION?

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

DO YOU NEED SOME PENICILLIN?"

AND IT'S LIKE, "[bleep] HIM."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO TRAFFIC

ON THE SERENGETI.

[laughter]

THERE'S NOT A BUNCH OF LIONS

JUST STANDING THERE IN GRIDLOCK

LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep] IS

GOING ON UP THERE?

DUDE, GO.

JUST [bleep] GO."

AN HOUR LATER, YOU GET UP THERE.

THERE'S SOME HYENA LICKING HIS

BALLS.

LIKE, "OH, THAT WAS THE BIG

HOLDUP, RIGHT?

LIKE YOU NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE.

OH, BY ALL MEANS, SLOW DOWN

AND LOOK AT IT."

[laughter]

SO I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND, MAN.

I WATCH A LOT OF TV WITH HER,

YOU KNOW?

I JUST ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF

HER.

SHE LOVES WATCHING THE OPRAH

WINFREY SHOW,

AND I LOVE, LIKE, WATCHING HER

WATCH THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.

AND I WAIT FOR OPRAH TO SAY

SOMETHING STUPID, AND THE SECOND

SHE DOES, I JUST TAKE IT OUT ON

MY GIRL, BECAUSE I'M AN A**HOLE.

[laughter]

NO, IT'S WHAT I DO.

NO, WE WERE WATCHING IT THE

OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW.

OPRAH'S ON THERE.

SHE'S INTERVIEWING SOME CLAM,

YOU KNOW, AND...

[laughter]

SHE'S GIVING HER THIS BIG,

RIDICULOUS INTRO, LIKE, "SHE'S

DONE THIS.

SHE'S DONE THAT.

SHE'S DONE THIS.

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