Better Off Single Page #3

tough play look easy

time and time again.

What is that noise?

Good morning,

ladies and gentlemen

we are delighted to have

you aboard this 45-minute

non-stop flight to New

York's Laguardia airport.

Please ensure that your seatbacks

are in upright position

your tabletops are stowed

and that you have avoided

our thousand dollar

check-bag fee

by placing absolutely

everything you own

in the overhead bins above.

If you are seated

in the middle seat

this does entitle you

to the use of both armrests

regardless of whether the stupid

f***er sitting next to you

has any idea of airplane

etiquette whatsoever.

After takeoff, you will be

permitted to use the iPhone

but prior to that time even

the single use of an iPhone

will cause the plane to crash

resulting in your eternal damnation

- straight to hell.

- Welcome aboard.

Oh, sh...

Whoopsies!

Wow. May I be of some

assistance to you?

- Yeah, that'd be great. -I'll

tell you what I'm gonna do.

I am gonna give this to you...

Little "Presie"...

And I will take this

and you can pick it up at

gate check on your way out

- when we land in New York.

- No, it's a really small bag.

- Yes. -There has to be

some room on board for it.

Hmm. You poor,

poor dear.

I'll tell you what I'm

gonna do for you.

Come see me when you

are exiting the aircraft

and I will credit you with

quadruple miles for today's flight

that you will never

be able to redeem, hmm?

Buckle up.

- This is me.

You just got totally hosed.

- I know, right?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- Half the bags on this flight are

bigger than that. -Seriously.

Thought it was bad getting the full

Monty going through X-ray search.

Oh, that's nothing. See

that old lady over there?

She practically begged for the thumb

treatment. She's such a terrorist.

- Look at her. Don't let that fool you.

- Such a terrorist.

Um...

- Online dating, huh?

- You saw that, did ya?

- I'm not judging.

- Wanna give me a hand?

- Mm-hmm. Yes, I do.

- Yeah?

Okay.

Date or no date?

Well, how 'bout...

Oh! Sally!

- She's 28, enjoys

emasculation of men -Sally.

Throwing up after meals

and long walks on the beach.

- Date. Definitely.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. She had me at "emasculation." -Wow.

You're a natural.

- Okay, Gretchen. She's 30 -ooh.

Gretch.

She enjoys lying about

her age, being sensitive

smart and funny and only

posting one picture

- that was taken 12-15 years ago.

- Yeah. Without question

- she will look that good in person.

- Mm-hmm.

- Without question. Take her out tonight.

- Tonight?

Yeah.

Don't even wait a minute.

I already have plans tonight.

She's out on work release so...

- That'd be pretty hard to reschedule.

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