Better Off Single

So, I'm not a big

believer in blind dates.

- Uh, me neither.

Even though work colleagues

swore I'd like her...

My sister promised I'd like him.

- Still...

- - We were skeptical.

That is until...

I saw her.

And I saw him.

- Something clicked. We started talking.

- We couldn't stop

- the whole night. -Closed down the

restaurant and went and got drinks.

And then he's such a gentlemen.

- He walked me home.

- Well, almost home.

Right,

'cause on this dark street,

these two huge

thugs with brass knuckles...

- And nunchucks.

- -And really bad skin.

They grabbed me, said that they wanted

our money and were going to rape me.

We want your money

and are going to rape you.

- It was horrible.

- -Well, it could've been.

Right, if Barry

hadn't vowed to protect

New York City streets since

being orphaned as a boy.

- Yeah. I'm

the trust-funded avenger.

Is he ever. Barry learned

Thai-stick fighting

on the rough

streets of Princeton.

He was so calm and strong.

I'd never seen a throwing star.

Lucky for them,

I was with a beautiful lady

otherwise, I wouldn't

have been so nice.

And after seeing

the almost tender way

- he vanquished

those ruffians...

I am quite compassionate.

I knew right then, it was time.

Time for me to take

her virginity.

I thought I would be scared

but, thankfully, prior to me

Barry had made love

to more than 80 women.

- 83... which is a lot.

- I felt like I was made of light...

A sexual firefly or something.

Hot-throbbing...

- Fetishistic climaxes

again and again and again.

And, the next morning,

after we won $38 million

playing nickel slots...

And started travelling the world

and haven't stopped since.

But, Charlie, that's us, yo.

What about you?

- I haven't seen you since, I

don't know, high school. -Wow.

What's goin' on? Tell us

about your lucky lady.

You've got one of those, right?

Yeah, what's goin' on with you?

Ever notice when you're

not in a relationship

everyone else is in

a ridiculously happy one?

Seriously?

Unbelievable.

I mean, this guy?

These two?

It's not like this sh*t

ever works out for me.

Charlie, you called her

ten times a day

for the past two weeks.

She doesn't like you, dude.

Now help me find this

boomerang before your mom

- makes us do geometry.

- -Was it my fault?

Who puts a heart around "no"

if she doesn't mean "yes"?

Come on.

And college was even worse.

All I'm saying is next time

don't leave me there by myself

while you go talk

to frat guys all night, okay?

You're the one who told me to go

flirt for free beer, remember?

- You didn't have to like it so much.

- Charlie...

So that's how to avoid

failing the final exam.

Christ.

You name the relationship

I'll tell you

where it went wrong.

That dog was

such a buzz-kill.

Let's just say we're both

happy it ended...

Like how all my relationships

ended... happy.

Well, until Angela.

You have got to be kidding me.

Angela, I'm sorry I woke you up.

You used to like

middle-of-the-night sex.

I mean you are white-hot,

basically naked in my bed.

You practically groped me.

With my knee?

While sleeping?

- Sh*t. Do you

see it anywhere?

Hey!

- It's gonna be all right.

Okay? -I told you

to shut that window.

Blood-sucking mosquitoes

are never gonna let me sleep.

- Honey. -I'm already

nervous for my meeting.

Hey. Honey, honey,

honey, honey.

Listen...

- You know tomorrow's

gonna go great.

And I promise you, even if I have

to stay up all night to do it,

you can sleep the entire time.

That mosquito's teeny

tiny little life will end.

And ever since Angela

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