
Arthur
Cheers.
Bitterman?
Why are you shaving?
Because Robin doesn't have a beard.
Bitterman, we're only doing this
for a bit of a laugh.
We're not genuine crime fighters, are we?
And if we were, you would not be
Look at your shoes.
They're your chauffeur shoes, aren't they?
I can see your tummy.
Mr. Bach, are you sure you wanna go
to your mother's fundraiser like this?
I think it's black-tie.
This is black.
Just that Hobson said
not to get into any trouble.
What trouble could possibly come
from a harmless game of dress-up?
Hmm?
Already bought the car.
Don't be ridiculous, this is the Batmobile.
We're their friends.
Driver, pull the car over.
How do you slow down?
- Where are the brakes on this thing?
What do you suppose this does?
Oh!
Ow!
Ask the police for directions
to your mother's fundraiser.
I think that problem
has been recently superseded.
Tell them it's at a museum.
We destroyed a beloved landmark.
It's around here somewhere.
I need you to not to talk for a little while.
Good evening, officers.
What seems to be the problem?
You're drunk again, Arthur.
No. I have remained drunk
since our last encounter.
Let's go. Batman and Robin,
out of the car. Come on.
Could I just point out
the elephant in the room?
Are these testicles strictly necessary?
They're an accident waiting to happen.
Okay, let's go. Come on.
See, I don't like being this close
to these balls.
I'll be right with you.
Gotham is safe.
Oh, man.
If I could just write you a check
for the damage to your golden cow...
...we can all be about our business.
Say no more.
- Or not. Turn around. Come on.
What's it?
- Are we going to prison?
Yes.
We're going to prison.
We're going to prison, Bitterman.
Yes.
- I knew this day would come and it's today.
That's all well and good...
...but it's not a market crash
we're concerned about.
Your concerns are legitimate, chancellor.
I do assure you that Arthur's
a bit more serious these days.
- He's begun to take an interest in finance.
- Wonderful.
- Sure.
I'm sorry, Vivienne. The university
cannot wager its endowment...
...on a fund
with such an uncertain future.
He's like a ship without an anchor.
Maybe it's time we tied him
to another ship.
Tito! Tito, I'll see you at the cockfight.
Better be what I think it is.
Wow, you paid for everyone's release?
It seemed unfair that we'd leave
and that they'd remain.
How do you explain
this frivolous spending during a recession?
Fair point.
Uh, recession...
Free money!
This is yours.
Okay, recession's over! We're in a boom!
That was brave.
What incredible flexibility.
- Hello, Hobson.
- Morning, Arthur. And friend.
Tiffany.
Oh, points for knowing her name
and saying it with confidence.
I made a mental association
with my lamp.
Tiffany, this is my nanny, Hobson,
my best friend in the whole world.
- Your nanny?
- He's merely shaped like an adult.
So how are you feeling
on the other side of...
...that vast moat of champagne
called "last night"?
Splendid.
Your mother called.
She wants to see you this morning.
Vivienne? Why do you think
Vivienne wants to see me today?
It doesn't make sense.
After destroying
a world-famous landmark...
...and giving away $78,000
from an ATM, I can't imagine.
- Is she gonna stay here?
Um...
...I wouldn't recommend letting him
get used to your breasts, dear.
He's got an addictive personality,
you know. He was at mine till he was 6.
Hobson.
I had to dab Tabasco on the nipples
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Arthur" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 16 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/arthur_3127>.