Ari Shaffir: Double Negative Page #4

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"No! I don't want to!

I don't want to!"

Some f***ing little kid.

Some little baby sitting there

in one of those handicapped chairs

they sit in.

Highchair, whatever you call it.

I don't care what you call it.

We don't sit in those.

We're not handicapped like that.

I'm like, "Why is he here?

For 80 bucks a meal? What a waste.

He's not even making memories."

Plus, his palate's not refined enough.

He doesn't understand the nuance

of this chef-inspired masterpiece.

He'd be happier...

I guarantee you, he'd be happier

with a banana I smushed with my foot.

He could see me do it,

and he would just go:

Ah.

He'd go, "Babana?"

I'm like, "That's right, buddy. Babana."

He'd rub a bunch of it in his face,

and get a bit in his mouth.

And be cute as f***.

Kids are cute. They're cute.

I'll give you that, if you have kids.

You got kids? You look like you do.

You don't have kids? How old are you?

- Thirty.

- Whoa, you look horrible for 30.

I thought you were like 57, man.

That's crazy.

It's the gray hair on the sides. Damn.

They're cute sometimes, kids.

And then they're instantly not cute.

Ever see them run around playing,

having a good time, then sh*t their pants.

They just sh*t themselves.

Everyone has to act like that's normal.

It's not. The smell is of sh*t.

I don't care how young they are,

that sh*t smell is still a sh*t smell.

The problem is when they sh*t themselves,

they have no gravity to them.

They don't like feel it at all.

They're like:

It's like... Right?

It's gonna come out of your pants, man.

Don't get me wrong. I sh*t myself.

I drink. Obviously, I sh*t myself.

But I do it every two years, you know.

And when I do it,

it registers as having sh*t myself.

I don't just keep going.

I tell my friends:

"I think I left the oven on or something.

I've got to go check that out.

Sorry, you guys.

I don't mean to cancel our plans."

I sh*t myself this year, to be honest.

Yeah. When I say every two years,

I mean a maximum of two years goes by.

I don't mean an average.

I mean the most

that has ever gone by is two years.

Yeah, it was in April.

For sure, I know when it was.

'Cause I was on a flight.

I was going to Australia. I sh*t...

Yeah, is there a good time

to sh*t yourself?

Are you ever like, "Wish I could sh*t

myself and get it out of the way."

Yeah, it was a 13-hour-long flight.

I was six hours into it,

and, uh, I went to pee.

You ever pee and then fart a little?

That's normal. Everybody does that.

Do girls do that?

No? Oh...

You're missing out. You've got to do that.

With girls,

it's even better because you clog it up.

So, like, it would make like

that tuba sound.

You could like move your leg and...

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