Ari Shaffir: Double Negative Page #3

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Most effective method of birth control,

right there.

It's not a condom,

100 percent effective, pulling out.

Yeah, people don't believe me.

Pulling out is 100 percent effective.

It has never failed in 5000 years.

A hundred percent. You know what's

less effective than pulling out?

Barely pulling out.

That is considerably less effective.

If you pull out, and the first look

on your face is like:

Don't besmirch the good name

of pulling out

with shitty barely pulling out methods.

You should have to at least touch

your dick for a second before you cum.

You shouldn't pull out and go,

"Blah. There it is."

You should have to

do something to it.

F***ing pregnant off a Tinder date.

How do you explain that?

How will she explain that to her kid

when he's old enough?

When he's like,

"Mommy, where did I come from?"

What's she gonna say?

She'll be like, "Well, Tinderthy...

one day,

Mommy went to the App Store.

And then spent all afternoon just going:

'No, no, no. Good enough.'

And that's the story of you."

I wouldn't have a problem with kids

if parents didn't bring them

around too much.

That's my biggest issue.

I shouldn't see them all the time,

you know?

Most parents are cool about it,

but some just are not.

I went to Bonnaroo this year.

You guys ever go to Bonnaroo?

Yeah. It's great, right?

A giant music festival in Tennessee.

Four days of camping and music.

So much fun. So much fun.

But sometimes parents are there now,

and they bring their f***ing kids.

There are 3- and 4-year-old children

running around Bonnaroo.

And I want to be like,

"Hey. We're doing drugs.

Okay?

And on acid, your child is frightening.

He's looking into my soul,

and I don't care for what he sees.

He is a demon, and I will kill it.

I will kill the demon to protect

everyone else in this music festival.

Yes, Kendrick, everything is gonna

be all right. I'm gonna kill that demon."

There are places you don't

bring your kid, a nice restaurant.

You ever go to a nice restaurant?

Save up 80 bucks per meal.

Go on a nice date.

Wear a button down shirt.

Try to get laid. Earn it.

You know, go on Yelp, three cash signs.

Tonight's the night.

Find the right place.

Places where as soon as you sit down,

they put your napkin on your lap for you.

Those places where you're like,

"That's slave sh*t.

Why are you doing that?

There's no reason for that."

I've never seen a Yelp review,

"I sat there like a schmuck,

my napkin on my table,

like an a**hole for like 40 minutes."

But it's nice. It's date night.

You'll take it. It's a good atmosphere.

And you sit down all happy,

you find the right place.

Two tables over, you just hear:

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